Federporn Friday Interrupted: Everybody wins. Except for Fed.

4605823439_524958a306_o

Federporn Friday went up on Saturday last week, and Roger – the wanker – lost a few hours later. As a result, it is my solemn decision that there shall be NO FEDERPORN FRIDAY until 15 July. LIVE WITH IT FOLKS.

Meanwhile, let me use the Friday column to be adventurers, exploring the realms of other exotic porn species. I asked for twitter submissions, you fence-sitters responded.

A number of you suggested a retro-themed FPF: the name Stefan Edberg came up more than a few times. As a child of the late 80s, Edberg feels like an uncle-figure to me, AND NO ONE LOOKS AT THEIR UNCLE’S THIGHS IN THAT WAY. OKAY?

Besides, my idea of retro-porn is more along the lines of the dark, brooding Ivan Lendl, bringing sexy-fug back. Yeaww.

Or if we were really serious about going retro: Frank Shields, year-end No 1 back in 1933. Former Wimbledon and US Open finalist, rocking the white blazer like his name was Ro – umm. Whatever.

You may know his grand-daughter – quite a child star she was! And in keeping with family tradition, she too married (and divorced) a tennis player.

But enough of the good ol’ days and fast forward to modern tennis – it’s no secret that I love the tortured, totally impotent genius of French tennis. And they sure know how to pose for a photo, those Frenchies.

Especially Gael, 100% fair trade certified deliciousness y’all! Be it in a glossy mag …

… or on a tennis cour – WHAT ARE YOU DOING ROGER FEDERER?!

YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALTZ INTO A PHOTO LIKE YOU OWN FRIDAYS? GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE! I TOLD YOU! YOU ARE SUSPENDED FROM ALL MY FRIDAY POSTS!

Ahem. Excuse the RUDE INTERRUPTION folks. Geez, some people these days are such party-crashers. ON WITH OUR PORN DAY MY LOVELIES!

How can it be a porn post without a Marat Safin appearance? My attitudes towards Marat have always swung from extreme love to extreme hate. It seemed so criminal that such a fine specimen with such roguish charms should spend much of his career berating himself into failure.

But of course, failure’s a harsh word for a former World No 1 with 2 slams. I see that now, in hindsight.

There was nothing innocent about baby Safi – WHAT DID I SAY?! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN THIS POST. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SIT THERE DRINKING WATER LIKE I WON’T NOTICE YOU AND YOUR MONKEYFACE?

GET. REAL. (AND GET OUT!)

Gee, I ought to call security on this guy. Crashing someone else’s porn day is NOT ON.

Next on the list of Friday Pornstars is the spunky Simone Bolelli. He’s Italian. He’s boyish. He has Chinese tattoos on his … err … lower back.

And … the picture speaks for itself.

Not to mention, he has great hai – OH NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SWEET TALK YOUR WAY INTO THIS POST THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS HUH? I AM ON TO YOU! I AM CALLING SECURITY ON YOU!

YOU ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE, FEDERBOY!

Before security gets here, we might as well move on. No need to harp on about the partypooper.

This next guest is very close to my heart. To think that this time last year, I thought he was an evil, genetically modified rodent.

It’s hardly my fault. Not when he used to be ‘Emo Kid’.

But it just goes to show – people can change! If you give them a chance! And I did just that, only to find out that underneath the Emo Kid, there was a Soderdork.

And when he turns on the sultry, Bobby Sod can be casually smoldering, in a Jimmy Barnes “Working Class Men” kinda way. You know it’s true!

If only all emo kids turned out this way…

I even learned to appreciate his style of rigid power tennis, of course the results helped. Soderling rose up the rankin -

WHERE IS THAT SECURITY I CALLED? DID YOU REALLY THINK I WON’T SEE YOU SNEAKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND, MR ROGER FEDERER? I HATE YOU.

Don’t mind him. Let’s talk more porn.

I didn’t find our last guest hot until recently. Perhaps it’s because he used to look like a girl … or a baby-faced brother.

But make no mistake, there is nothing baby-faced or brotherly about him these days.

In fact, he’s quite the rock star.

And looks uber-handsome in a sui -

OH THIS IS IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL ME WITH NUMBERS, DO YA?

ROGER FEDERER, I AM FILING A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALLOW TO COME WITHIN 5 PIXELS OF FEDERPORN FRIDAY YO!

People these days. Outrageous. Hmmph!

xx doots

About these ads

Tags: , , , ,

45 responses to “Federporn Friday Interrupted: Everybody wins. Except for Fed.”

  1. PJ says :

    I love you.

    That is all.

  2. Jas says :

    BEST FPF EVER! Can’t type anymore….drooling too much…

  3. Jack says :

    You could always use this guy as a substitute for Fed:

    I mean, you like monkey face, right?! :D

    P.S No, I’m not proud of myself for finding that pic!

  4. Lily says :

    \o/

    YOU ROCKS !

  5. Amandita_FP says :

    Doots , you are awesome!! but you already knew that, right? ;)

    thank you so much for this post =)

  6. Isobel says :

    Very cleverly done! Especially ending with Stan; as soon as I saw his picture I started laughing, because I knew what was coming.

  7. sly says :

    Roger not in the spotlight but still in the spotlight n_n
    nice job ^^

  8. TennisAce says :

    Brilliant Doots. Absolutely brilliant. I had so much fun reading this. *wipes tears

  9. breadstix says :

    I nearly died when I saw Stan and Soddy’s FPFs (is this still FPF since we’re now missing F?). Thanks Doots, maybe I can get through the next 5 weeks without seeing tantalising pictures of Swissy after all.

  10. BS says :

    Brilliant. The pic of Marat Safin and that other guy (!) is the best one. They’re both so young!

    So seriously, no FPF until JULY? Oh Doots, why must you torture us?! No chance of a truce with Rog, no?

  11. jfk says :

    lol!! Face it doots, you can’t quit fed!!
    I don’t believe it will be 2 months until FPF comes back. :P

  12. perispomenon says :

    I am so pleased to see Ivan Lendl … Hmmm, brooding, dark, hmmm, that leads me to Dimitri Bilozertchev, … Ah well, what would you kids know …

  13. Dippylyc says :

    Pretty pls, now the Ferd is slowly getting his groove back. Can we get some special Sat morning edition of Fedporn?

  14. SUnny says :

    I heart you.

  15. Sunny says :

    He just won…nicely done!

    So now the jinx is off, no? :-)

    • dootsiez says :

      NO IT IS NOT! >:O

      • Sunny says :

        Fine.

        I defer to your wisdom and whim…

        Who am I to argue with the best purveyor of Federer porn on the web?! :-)

        I am willing to make any sacrifice asked of me for a 2nd Coupe de Mousquetaires (He needs another one to make perfect bookends!)

        And as much as I genuinely like Rafa… a part of me will never forgive him for taking away Fed’s 6th straight Wimby… (that record meant so much to him) so I want Fed to take away something that is near and dear to him as payback. I think losing the FO to Fed in the final would be fair, no?

        So i’m selling my soul to you for the price of one shiny litle cup! :-)

        • pban says :

          Aye aye to such a noble thought Sunny and may our sacrifice at the altar of the Tennis Gods for the continued prosperity of Federdom not go unheeded.

  16. pban says :

    AAH doots after the first game of the 2nd set I was so getting ready to moan and groan here for jinxing him,but then *someone*decided to make an appearance finally….and that someone who must not be seen on Fridays on dootsie’s blog(IMO)won 3 matches in a row.Now I love Feddy as much as anyone here but if not seeing him on FPF for sometime doesn’t jinx him then it’s o.k.I am prepared to wait. Hilarious post by the way doots very clever indeed :P

  17. girl_from_mi says :

    Dootsiez, your level of denial would be humorous if we weren’t all feeling it too. :)

  18. Red4Fed says :

    Best. FPF. EVER.

    Hilarious doots! This absolutely made my day! Well, this and the fact that the Swiss-who-must-not-be-named managed to squeak out a win over Ernie. :D Perhaps now he’s not only sneaked his way into FPF but also back into your heart?

  19. Deborah says :

    doots, you are as crazy as I am and I love you. I was ready to sacrifice a chicken for a win today. Instead, I refused to watch, tape or otherwise engage until the victory was assured. I clicked on livescores at MP and nearly screamed at my desk. Now, what do I do for the semis? Sigh, go Roger!!!!!

  20. A_Gallivant says :

    I heart these pics! The ones of Sod and Stan are so adorable. Stan was the man for a good part of ’09 til he got dumped for Delpo (yeah, I know he doesn’t warm your heart :))

  21. raindelaysplay says :

    Stefan, Frenchies, Marat, all on one page… good call :D

  22. federerlive says :

    This is so awesome! Stan especially <3333333

    It also amuses me that Google Translate tells me Soderking's magazine quote caption translates as "What separates me and Federer? Not so fucking much…" Ha I love you Robin!

  23. Jodi says :

    I am kind of digging Frank Shields. He rocks that blazer hard. In the absence of FPF, can I request more uber-retro porn?

    • dootsiez says :

      Why of course you can! Glad you appreciate the suaveness of Frank Shields. Straight out of Mad Men, that guy!

  24. pban says :

    OMG he finally won a match which I couldn’t watch….errant sports channels what else is new. getting live scores on phone at 2am,seriously guys is not recommended ….makes you nauseus,wait that is because of FEDAL *hides under blanket* OH NO not on clay:(

    • Sunny says :

      Have faith pban,,,

      seems like Doots’ anit-jinx efforts have not been in vain…and Feddybear seems to be finding his form!

      …and if he could just hold onto that serve which seems to have returned and convert some GOD!#@!AMN breakpoints…then he’s got a good chance, no?

      He likes the altitude and the court will probably be dry…let’s hope that he can go for his 3rd clay court win over Rafa…that would seriously give him so mojo going into the French.!

      Now I’m due for a nap…because I went to bed at 8 am this morning so that i could see if Rafa was going to be in the final…and then i got up at 11am PST to watch Fed make my day! I’ve earned my stripes today.

      Fingers, toes and legs (I will not allow myself to go to the bathroom the entire match…I always comeback and he’s been broken!) will be crossed tomorrow.

      Good luck to us all!!! :-)

      • dootsiez says :

        NO FAITH IN FEDDY.

        FEDDY DOES NOT DESERVE OUR FAITH

        HE IS GOING TO GET SWISS-ROLLED BY WHATSHISFACE.

        WAAAAAHHH! *cries*

        • Sunny says :

          Doots!

          Hold yourself together girl!

          This is when he needs us most…he finally got himself into a final!

          …unless this is some dastardly reverse psychology, anti-jinx thing to fake out the Tennis Gods…

          if so, then by all means wail away!! cuz really…he is going to need all the help he can get… :-(.

          (Okay, now I feel a little guilty for saying that)

        • dootsiez says :

          WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGG SUNNY!?

          YOU CAN’T SPELL OUT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!!???!

          IF ROGIE LOSES I BLAME YOOUUU!!!??!

          AND FERRDD!!!!???!!

      • pban says :

        Doesn’t it strike you as odd that the effort which is so obvious here was absent 2 days back in Estoril( I still can’t fathom why he played there),Feddy looks relaxed even against Gulbis he was not rushing things……just makes me wonder whether he does really have a switch? BUT HE IS SO GOING TO LOSE AND THOSE HATERS are going to have a field day :( OH IHATE YOU FEDDY for making life so miserable.Sunny I stayed awake till 2 am to watch scores on my mobile after spending 12 hrs in the hospital….so I think that should count for something no?

        • Sunny says :

          oh pban,

          I hope you spent 12 hours at a hospital because you work there…and not for some other troublesome reason (if so, i send my best) Where do you live, by the way? I’m on California time…

          Either way, you’ve definitely earned some stripes…

          AND DOOTS…
          I so sad that he is going to lose tomorrow!!

          …was that better? ;-)

        • dootsiez says :

          I think pban’s a doctor in India, or at least some sort of health pro.

          AND YES THAT WAS BETTER. YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT THOUGH! OR AT LEAST HALF MEAN IT! DO IT! NO “NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK”S YO!

          *superstitions running amuck*

  25. Ru-an says :

    ‘I HAVE A HEART OF STONE DIPPY! YOU KNOW I DO!’

    You have a heart? Wow! :)

  26. pban says :

    LOL Sunny I am a doctor, though sometimes Feddy makes me feel more like a patient ,I remember almost wanting to collapse onto the beds in the critical care unit of my hospital after the Davydenko match in the AO. I am on Indian time, approximately 12 hrs ahead of you.

  27. Glenda says :

    Simooooooooooooooone! And Jesus Christ. Thanks for changing my mind about Robin. I always loved him but I didn’t think he was a hottie until now.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. On the sixth « raindelaysplay - 30, December, 2010

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,539 other followers

%d bloggers like this: