Federporn Friday Interrupted: Everybody wins. Except for Fed.

Federporn Friday went up on Saturday last week, and Roger – the wanker – lost a few hours later. As a result, it is my solemn decision that there shall be NO FEDERPORN FRIDAY until 15 July. LIVE WITH IT FOLKS.

Meanwhile, let me use the Friday column to be adventurers, exploring the realms of other exotic porn species. I asked for twitter submissions, you fence-sitters responded.

A number of you suggested a retro-themed FPF: the name Stefan Edberg came up more than a few times. As a child of the late 80s, Edberg feels like an uncle-figure to me, AND NO ONE LOOKS AT THEIR UNCLE’S THIGHS IN THAT WAY. OKAY?

Besides, my idea of retro-porn is more along the lines of the dark, brooding Ivan Lendl, bringing sexy-fug back. Yeaww.

Or if we were really serious about going retro: Frank Shields, year-end No 1 back in 1933. Former Wimbledon and US Open finalist, rocking the white blazer like his name was Ro – umm. Whatever.

You may know his grand-daughter – quite a child star she was! And in keeping with family tradition, she too married (and divorced) a tennis player.

But enough of the good ol’ days and fast forward to modern tennis – it’s no secret that I love the tortured, totally impotent genius of French tennis. And they sure know how to pose for a photo, those Frenchies.

Especially Gael, 100% fair trade certified deliciousness y’all! Be it in a glossy mag …

… or on a tennis cour – WHAT ARE YOU DOING ROGER FEDERER?!

YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALTZ INTO A PHOTO LIKE YOU OWN FRIDAYS? GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE! I TOLD YOU! YOU ARE SUSPENDED FROM ALL MY FRIDAY POSTS!

Ahem. Excuse the RUDE INTERRUPTION folks. Geez, some people these days are such party-crashers. ON WITH OUR PORN DAY MY LOVELIES!

How can it be a porn post without a Marat Safin appearance? My attitudes towards Marat have always swung from extreme love to extreme hate. It seemed so criminal that such a fine specimen with such roguish charms should spend much of his career berating himself into failure.

But of course, failure’s a harsh word for a former World No 1 with 2 slams. I see that now, in hindsight.

There was nothing innocent about baby Safi – WHAT DID I SAY?! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN THIS POST. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SIT THERE DRINKING WATER LIKE I WON’T NOTICE YOU AND YOUR MONKEYFACE?

GET. REAL. (AND GET OUT!)

Gee, I ought to call security on this guy. Crashing someone else’s porn day is NOT ON.

Next on the list of Friday Pornstars is the spunky Simone Bolelli. He’s Italian. He’s boyish. He has Chinese tattoos on his … err … lower back.

And … the picture speaks for itself.

Not to mention, he has great hai – OH NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SWEET TALK YOUR WAY INTO THIS POST THROUGH YOUR CONNECTIONS HUH? I AM ON TO YOU! I AM CALLING SECURITY ON YOU!

YOU ARE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE, FEDERBOY!

Before security gets here, we might as well move on. No need to harp on about the partypooper.

This next guest is very close to my heart. To think that this time last year, I thought he was an evil, genetically modified rodent.

It’s hardly my fault. Not when he used to be ‘Emo Kid’.

But it just goes to show – people can change! If you give them a chance! And I did just that, only to find out that underneath the Emo Kid, there was a Soderdork.

And when he turns on the sultry, Bobby Sod can be casually smoldering, in a Jimmy Barnes “Working Class Men” kinda way. You know it’s true!

If only all emo kids turned out this way…

I even learned to appreciate his style of rigid power tennis, of course the results helped. Soderling rose up the rankin –

WHERE IS THAT SECURITY I CALLED? DID YOU REALLY THINK I WON’T SEE YOU SNEAKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND, MR ROGER FEDERER? I HATE YOU.

Don’t mind him. Let’s talk more porn.

I didn’t find our last guest hot until recently. Perhaps it’s because he used to look like a girl … or a baby-faced brother.

But make no mistake, there is nothing baby-faced or brotherly about him these days.

In fact, he’s quite the rock star.

And looks uber-handsome in a sui –

OH THIS IS IT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU THINK YOU CAN FOOL ME WITH NUMBERS, DO YA?

ROGER FEDERER, I AM FILING A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALLOW TO COME WITHIN 5 PIXELS OF FEDERPORN FRIDAY YO!

People these days. Outrageous. Hmmph!

xx doots