Weekly Mosaics: the world without Fedal

As both Rafa and Fed withdrew from their respective grass court warm-ups this week, I was faced with the bleak dystopia that is the world without Fedal, a world dominated by Toothface and Stinkface. 

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? How about a visual demonstration? 


Dystopia = worldly fugliness





Utopia = otherworldly beauty


Picture of the Week



See? I can be neutral and unbiased and all that shit … I just wouldn’t mean it. Why bother?


Fedal Dystopia aside, this week in tennis



1) Andy Murray becomes the first British man to win Queens in 71 years. See guys? British tennis doesn’t suck at all.

Sorry Brits. If it makes you feel any better, you know all my banter about British tennis stems from a deep and profound insecurity I have for the future of tennis in my own country … like, if we wanted to get all psychoanalytical …

Or you could just say that Toothface doesn’t rub me the right way. 



2) It’s a good week for home favourites. I was rooting for a Djokovic v Tsonga final Halle, but who saw Tommy Haas coming? And what a run he had – taking down the two top seeds as well as a dangerous Kohlschreiber en route to the title.

In hindsight, given Haas’s performance against Federer at Roland Garros, this was hardly surprising. But really? It’s Tommy Haas we’re talking about here, hardly the beacon of sustained consistency. 

But you know what was the best thing about Haas’ run? He did it playing old-school 90s grass-court tennis. Huge serve, attacking play – coming to the net even on second serves. The highlight of the tournament for me wasn’t so much the final, but the semifinal between Haas and Kohlschreiber – tennis on a pornographic scale. The only match-up that could possibly trump that would be Haas and Federer. 

So yeah. A big hurrah for Tommy Haas, and this time I really do mean it – for his run at Roland Garros and Halle, for still going at it at 31 years of age, and for bringing back a bit of old school this week on a surface that was supposed to be just a little old-school.


3) Novak Djokovic admitted after the final that he was still emotionally drained from the Madrid semifinal. He also took himself off the “Favourites for Wimbledon” list, and told the press that he was only “lucky” to have won the second set tiebreak against Haas. I hope this is actually Djoker’s way of taking pressure off his shoulders going into Wimbledon, because the alternative is just too defeatist. 


Is it possible that the semi-final in Madrid is still in your mind a little bit because you haven’t played your best tennis since then?
DJOKOVIC: Probably. That match has been really emotionally exhausting me. I think I was really empty after that match emotionswise and mentally. I’m still trying to get back and recover. But playing finals here is a good achievement, coming back from five match points down in second round and playing two quite good matches in quarter finals and semi finals. You always have to look on the bright side. Wimbledon is coming up and I hope I can be ready.

Having played five matches here – you talked about the difficulties of adjusting to grass – do you think you will go to Wimbledon feeling that you are one of the top four, five favourites?
DJOKOVIC: I don’t know. I’m not playing on my top level. I will try to get ready for Wimbledon. I haven’t done a great job there last year. I lost second round. So, I wouldn’t rate myself as a favourite for that tournament.


4) I’ve read several negative articles about Maria Sharapova this week in the British press – that her comeback is a failure, that Sharapova’s “stars are waning” and she’s headed for retirement. Seriously? Maria Sharapova has made 2 quarterfinals and a semifinal in three tournaments since her return from a 9 month injury layoff. Of those 3 tournaments, 2 of them were on her least favourite surface. Half the girls in the WTA top 10 can’t replicate what she’s done in the last few weeks without injuries. Instead of giving her a huge pat on the back for the effort and the fight, we’re predicting her imminent demise? The audacity of bullshit.

Feel my disdain Daily Mail, my sheer unadulterated hatred for you, the Times


5) According to Fed’s trusty facebook page, he returned to Switzerland after Roland Garros, basked his joy and GOATliness, and is now practicing on grass again in preparation for Wimbledon. So for all this talk about expecting a loose and free swinging Federer from now on, is there such a thing as being too loose? 

I just like to fret. What’s your problem, Rational Thought? 


6) A tiny stamp sized image for Foetus Fed – Grigor Dimitrov, who took a variety of inspirations this week in his styling choices – all black a la Darth Federer, knee tapes a la Rafa, socks a la Bethanie Mattek, headband and hair in stark resemblance to Fabio Fognini.

He generated a lot of interest this week because of the parallels between Dimintrov and Federer (read). Come back to me when he’s won a slam or 14 I say. How do I know this guy isn’t going to turn into another Richard Gasquet?  *heartbreak*

I don’t. 


7) Anyone noticed the prominence of the single-handed backhand these last few weeks? Ouanna beat Safin, Kohlshcreiber downed Djokovic. Robredo made a Roland Garros quarterfinal, Gonzo in the semi. Federer of course with wins in Madrid and Roland Garros. Haas in Halle. Dimitrov announced himself with a loss and now James Blake in the Queens final?

But James, can you like, SHAVE?! 


8. ) Li Na, Li Na, Li Li Na Na … hasn’t Rafa’s loss taught you anything? No one is scared of players who look like bubblegum wrappers. Neurotic. 


9) The theme this week seems to be “old school”. Lleyton Hewitt and Andy Roddick locked in a showdown, that’s like … so 2004. Props to the pair of them.

I kinda cursed ARod this week by fearlessly predicting him to make the Wimbledon final. Of course no sooner had I said it than he decided to go and roll his ankle. But word is that he’s gonna be good to go by Wimbledon.

Except now I want to eat my words for reasons entirely unrelated to his ankle. Can I official withdraw my prediction now? 


Stupid, stupid Doots. 


And can we get Federer and Nadal back next week please? In cute robot practice tees at Wimbledon perhaps? Yes yes.

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4 responses to “Weekly Mosaics: the world without Fedal”

  1. Liz says :

    Love Toothface and Stinkface! Murray looks like he’s ready to sink his fangs into the nearest linesperson. A world without Roger and Rafa…not a happy thought.

  2. Blue says :

    I read that Haas has a new coach, it would be nice to see him do well at Wimbledon. Although after RG, we could do without too many upsets. I thought Sharapova did pretty well this last few weeks considering how long she’d been absent and her injuries. I wouldn’t be too bothered about the press and the doom and gloom now, see what it did for Roger 😀

  3. dootsiez says :

    ^ Hi all. May we get some Roger and Rafa action soon! It’s been quiet without them, probably not in Britain though …

    Blue – When Sharapova produces some big results, the story will become “Sharapova’s comeback success”. no one has a spine in the media these days.

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  1. Weekly Mosaics: the world without Fedal: Outplacement Layoff - 15, June, 2009

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