Withdrawal Symptoms? A Fedophile’s guide to surviving the next month.
As you no doubt know by now, Roger Federer has pulled out of both Tokyo and Shanghai to give his body a well-deserved break.
While Federer fans may be comforting themselves with the thought that it’s all for the best, there is an inevitable sense of headlessness, seeing that the next month of tennis has just lost some gravity.
Well, never fear! Doots is proposing a 7-step program to combat Federer withdrawal symptoms.
You have much to learn my brethren and sisters:
#1. Follow WTA tennis.
Frankly, the girls need a bit of support, but wait – there is a catch to this: drink one shot of vodka for every time someone double faults in a match.
You’ll keep yourself blissfully inebriated for a month and emerge with a significant portion of your brain cells extinct.
But don’t worry, Federer will resurrect them in Basel.
#2. Watch the legendary “Roger Federer Points”.
If you’re “out of it” and don’t know what they are: the RFpoints are HQ reels of Federer winners, assembled one after another, randomly shuffled, each between 30 mins to 1 hour in length.
Shoalin, the mastermind behind these clips, has made 4 comprehensive parts.
Download and import them into iTunes. Your overpriced Apple wares will thank me later. Clickey
#3. Fangirls and appreciative boys, it’s time for Federporn.
# 4. Federer, and Safin, and Hawk-eye pwnings. These are a few of my favourite things.
No explanations needed. Don’t drink hot drinks when you’re watching this.
#5. Follow another sport. Or better, get off your lazy ass and go play some sport!
Aussies, it’s the AFL grand final tomorrow.
I have the misfortune of following a bunch of Total Losers, also known as the North Melbourne Kangaroos, whose shameful results mean that its fanbase is dwindling faster than its bank account. But I am partial to the Saints and impartial to the Cats. Hence ST KILDA FTW!
(And yes, Jojo and I were meant to be together. Totes.)
#6. Make a mixtape, Federer-styled.
… And I don’t mean the sort of grungy, heavy-metal shit that turns teenyboppers into emos.
Make a mix of the best Federer matches to watch with your Fedophiliac friends on a marathon ‘Saturday-night-in’, complete with popcorn, choctops, and communal flower-children Fedgasms.
Dootsie’s Mix (feel free to plagiarize or edit)
Part 1: the Funhouse Stuff
- 2005 Australian Open R64: Federer v Suzuki
- 2005 US Open R64: Federer v Santoro
Part 2: the “Good” Losses
- 2005 Australian Open semifinal: Federer v Safin
- 2005 Masters Cup final: Federer v Nalbandian
- 2006 Rome final: Federer v Nadal
Part 3: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
- 2007 Hamburg Final: Federer v Nadal
- 2009 Madrid Final: Federer v Nadal
- 2006 Masters Cup semfinal: Federer v Nadal
- 2007 Masters Cup semifinal: Federer v Nadal
- 2009 Australian Open quarterfinal: Federer v del Potro
Interlude: Toilet Breaks/Trips to get more food + drinks
- 2007 US Open semifinal: Henin v Venus
Part 4: the Tennis Gods made Andy Roddick for Roger Federer to look good (apologies ARod fans)
- 2003 Wimbledon semifinal: Federer v Roddick
- 2005 Wimbledon final: Federer v Roddick
- 2007 US Open quarterfinal: Federer v Roddick
- 2007 Australian Open semifinal: Federer v Roddick
Part 5: the Tennis Gods made TMF for communal flower-children Fedgasms.
- 2003 Wimbledon final: Federer v Mark the Poo
- 2004 US Open final: Federer v Hewitt
- 2006 Masters Cup final: Federer v Blake
- 2007 Masters Cup final: Federer v Ferrer
Part 6: the Tennis Gods are made of awesome. Period.
- 2009 Roland Garros final: Federer v Soderling
So. Those should last you about a month. Don’t have those matches? Clickey.
#7. On the off-chance that you Fedtards actually – *gasp* – care about the ATP sans-Fed…
Why don’t you join me in my “Viva La France” brigade to cheer on Reeshie, Gael and Tsonga?
The latter two actually have a chance of qualifying for the World Tour Finals. Allez!