Withdrawal Symptoms? A Fedophile’s guide to surviving the next month.


As you no doubt know by now, Roger Federer has pulled out of both Tokyo and Shanghai to give his body a well-deserved break.

While Federer fans may be comforting themselves with the thought that it’s all for the best, there is an inevitable sense of headlessness, seeing that the next month of tennis has just lost some gravity.  

Well, never fear! Doots is proposing a 7-step program to combat Federer withdrawal symptoms

 

 

You have much to learn my brethren and sisters:

 

#1. Follow WTA tennis. 

Frankly, the girls need a bit of support, but wait – there is a catch to this: drink one shot of vodka for every time someone double faults in a match. 

You’ll keep yourself blissfully inebriated for a month and emerge with a significant portion of your brain cells extinct.

But don’t worry, Federer will resurrect them in Basel. 

 

#2. Watch the legendary “Roger Federer Points”.

If you’re “out of it” and don’t know what they are: the RFpoints are HQ reels of Federer winners, assembled one after another, randomly shuffled, each between 30 mins to 1 hour in length.

Shoalin, the mastermind behind these clips, has made 4 comprehensive parts. 

Download and import them into iTunes. Your overpriced Apple wares will thank me later. Clickey

 

#3. Fangirls and appreciative boys, it’s time for Federporn.

Exhibit A.

 

 

Exhibit B.

 

 

Exhibit C.

 

 

# 4. Federer, and Safin, and Hawk-eye pwnings. These are a few of my favourite things.

No explanations needed. Don’t drink hot drinks when you’re watching this.

 

 

 

 

 

#5. Follow another sport. Or better, get off your lazy ass and go play some sport! 

Aussies, it’s the AFL grand final tomorrow.

I have the misfortune of following a bunch of Total Losers, also known as the North Melbourne Kangaroos, whose shameful results mean that its fanbase is dwindling faster than its bank account. But I am partial to the Saints and impartial to the Cats. Hence ST KILDA FTW

(And yes, Jojo and I were meant to be together. Totes.)

 

 

 

#6. Make a mixtape, Federer-styled.

… And I don’t mean the sort of grungy, heavy-metal shit that turns teenyboppers into emos.

Make a mix of the best Federer matches to watch with your Fedophiliac friends on a marathon ‘Saturday-night-in’, complete with popcorn, choctops, and communal flower-children Fedgasms.

 

Dootsie’s Mix (feel free to plagiarize or edit) 

 

Part 1: the Funhouse Stuff

  1. 2005 Australian Open R64: Federer v Suzuki
  2. 2005 US Open R64: Federer v Santoro

Part 2: the “Good” Losses

  1. 2005 Australian Open semifinal: Federer v Safin
  2. 2005 Masters Cup final: Federer v Nalbandian
  3. 2006 Rome final: Federer v Nadal

Part 3: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

  1. 2007 Hamburg Final: Federer v Nadal
  2. 2009 Madrid Final: Federer v Nadal
  3. 2006 Masters Cup semfinal: Federer v Nadal
  4. 2007 Masters Cup semifinal: Federer v Nadal
  5. 2009 Australian Open quarterfinal: Federer v del Potro

Interlude: Toilet Breaks/Trips to get more food + drinks

  • 2007 US Open semifinal: Henin v Venus

Part 4: the Tennis Gods made Andy Roddick for Roger Federer to look good (apologies ARod fans)

  1. 2003 Wimbledon semifinal: Federer v Roddick
  2. 2005 Wimbledon final: Federer v Roddick
  3. 2007 US Open quarterfinal: Federer v Roddick
  4. 2007 Australian Open semifinal: Federer v Roddick

Part 5: the Tennis Gods made TMF for communal flower-children Fedgasms.

  1. 2003 Wimbledon final: Federer v Mark the Poo
  2. 2004 US Open final: Federer v Hewitt
  3. 2006 Masters Cup final: Federer v Blake
  4. 2007 Masters Cup final: Federer v Ferrer

Part 6: the Tennis Gods are made of awesome. Period.

  • 2009 Roland Garros final: Federer v Soderling

 

So. Those should last you about a month. Don’t have those matches? Clickey.

 

#7. On the off-chance that you Fedtards actually – *gasp* – care about the ATP sans-Fed…

Why don’t you join me in my “Viva La France” brigade to cheer on Reeshie, Gael and Tsonga?

The latter two actually have a chance of qualifying for the World Tour Finals. Allez!

 

xx doots

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19 responses to “Withdrawal Symptoms? A Fedophile’s guide to surviving the next month.”

  1. Liz says :

    Good suggestions all! Now if I can only stop staring at that picture of shirtless Marat long enough to implement any of them….

  2. Tina says :

    Amazing list Doots!

    Darn I’ll still miss him.😦 Rest up champ.❤

  3. Ann says :

    Great stuff, as always! I especially love the hawkeye section…hilarious…

    Thanks for posting the rogerfedererpoints link – I was wondering where to find all that! OMG I may never get anything done again…my family is going to miss me…

  4. FortuneCookie says :

    Why thank you doots,I now have the ultimate distraction!Who cares about passing exams right??Not when you can indulge in some Federporn😛
    I’m weirdly Zen about the withdrawal,it seems pretty bad news for him to withdraw from two tournaments at once,but he withdrew from Dubai and Davis Cup at same time after AO,so I’m not too worried…Just go and have some fun with Mamabear and TMBs Roger!

    • dootsiez says :

      am not too fussed either. It’s sad that the fans in Asia will miss out altogether, but since he’s in Europe, he might as well stay there and rest up. As long as he doesn’t withdraw from the Masters Cup.😀

  5. Ann says :

    Wondering – since you obviously can’t include The Greatest Match of All Time as one of the “good” losses, what would you consider Roger’s greatest match?

    • dootsiez says :

      Actually I do consider the greatest match of all time to be Roger’s greatest match. I just can’t rewatch it without wanting to stick a pen up someone’s nose.

      Aside from that, Rome 06 = best match.

      I want to stick a pen up someone’s nose for that too.

  6. JFK says :

    Aww. I’m going to miss him. Thanks for posting these.

  7. Alex says :

    It’s going to be a tough 5 weeks to get through. Well, I always have my highlight videos and THIS WEB SITE!!!!

  8. Ribbons says :

    Totally with you on cheering on the French boys. Allons Mousquetaires!

  9. EP says :

    Oh.My.God.

    I SO did not see that vid of Roger um “singing” before just now. Oh.My.God. I think that vid just proved that Rog is indeed human.. my ears are bleeding D: D: D:

    That being said, it was hilarious. I might need to watch it again. With the volume turned down.

  10. Blue says :

    Thanks, I usually dislike FWS but this time it’s not that bad. I have never seen the one with Fed singing, hilarious!

  11. flo says :

    I thought there’d be GS withdrawal but then the tennis season dovetails with the US tv season so well. Apparently being a tv junkie is good for something. I think it’s okay as long as there’s some good stuff now to bridge the gap to Lost which should premier around AO 2010.

    • dootsiez says :

      Hehehe me too. I’ve been hooked on Greys and House all coming back on air to distract me from the horrors of the post-USO circuit.

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