Coaching, Dootsie-styled.


Oh hai Roger.

It’s a tough life, huh? Another tournament, another journeyman turned hero courtesy of donations from Roger Federer Foundation. You’re a good man. But you go home and the babies are crying, Mirka’s giving you the evil eye, Nana and Pop are too busy cooing over the little ones to pay attention to you.

It’s tough. I know. But even so, in the immortal words of Svetlana Kuznetsova: “R U CRAYYYYY?!!”

DO YOU ENJOY DRAGGING YOUR FAMILY AROUND THE WORLD FOR  NOTHING? DO YOU THINK PETE SAMPRAS’ RECORD IS GOING TO BREAK ITSELF OUT OF FEAR?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIND THE COURT?! IT’S RIGHT UNDER YOUR FUCKING FEET, GOAT-BRAIN!

I know, I know, Ernie’s a toughie.

Back in the day, I used to see him as a future slam winner. These days, I have trouble seeing him as the next Tomas Berdych. And I have no time for the Berdyches of this world. Tennis players are like caviar, once you taste the real thing, you don’t ever want to go back to that fake shit again.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED EXPENSIVE CAVIAR DUDE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I PAID TO SEE YOU AT THE AUS OPEN?!! (Granted, you were orgasmically good under the Aussie sun) BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF ROME?! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO FEDERBEAR, WHO AS I WRITE THIS, IS HIDING OUT IN MY CLOSET-NO-PUN-INTENDED?!!

Okay, I know I know. I’ll keep my voice down.

I’m really quite a calm person most of the time you know? You just get the worst out of me. It’s your fault, not mine.

And I know – I really do! – that you want to spend time with your daughters. When you were looking listless in the second set, you were probably recalling the good times you spent with the Mighty Babes. “Oh haha! Myla pooped on me this morning, and it was in the shape of John McEnroe’s head! Harharhar!”

It’s fun for you, you don’t wanna miss a thing. I geddit.

BUT YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU TO BRING HOME THE BACON DUDE. WHAT DID YOU THINK?!! THAT BACON IS GOING TO SUDDENLY GROW A SMILEY FACE, KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR AND ASK YOU TO SPONSOR A CHILD IN ETHIOPIA?!

FUCK YOU! IF YOU’VE ONLY MADE AS MUCH AS 10 TIMES MY MEAGRE STUDENT WAGE IN 3 TOURNAMENTS, THERE IS PROBABLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR TENNIS. THE SERVE, THE FOREHAND, THE NERVY THIRD SETS: DEAL WITH IT ALL, ‘CAUSE IT AIN’T GOING TO DEAL WITH ITSELF.

Meanwhile, I’m putting in interim measures and canceling Federporn Friday this week. I’m sorry. OH MY GAWD DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT … I WON’T BUDGE. NO I WON’T! A FAT LOT OF HELP THE EPSN COVER WAS TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE DOWN MATCH POINT.

YOU REALISE THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER WIN MATCHES BY DAZZLING YOUR OPPONENTS WITH YOUR SEX HAIR?! YOU KNOW MY LOL-KITTIES CAN’T ATTACK LATVIAN KIDS FOR YOU?!

Sometimes, I’m not sure that you do.

Here, here’s a button.

– DON’T FIDDLE WITH IT! – when you press it, Swedish hookers will fly out of my basement towards the general direction of Latvia – THEY ONLY FLY TO LATVIA, DON’T GET ANY IDEAS – NO THEY DO NOT “DO” AMERICAN PRO GOLFERS SHUT UP –

I want you to use this next time you’re in trouble, okay?

And here’s a second button.

Only press this in cases of real emergency, because when you do, I will pole-vault myself out of my house, cross the Indian Ocean, over Asia and Europe and onto Centre Court at Wimbledon (let’s hope they’ve got the roof open).

DON’T YOU WORRY ROGIE, I WILL BE THERE.

So what are you going to do? Practice practice practice? NO SHIT. Stop being ‘CRAYYY’? Naturally.

What else are you going to do?

YES. WIN ESTORIL.

Myla and Charlene will each need a makeup brush holder in a year or two if they’re anything like Suri Cruise. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE ESTORIL TROPHY. GO GET ANOTHER ONE BABY BOY.

Until then, I’m not talking to you. In fact, I’m not even going to talk about you.

xx doots

Tags: ,

31 responses to “Coaching, Dootsie-styled.”

  1. Deborah says :

    Oh doots,
    Just when I think I’m immune to Roger pain, we get a match like this! I’m not as strong as you. I think loving Roger has given me battered wife syndrome. I think I’m going to sing a bunch of bad country western songs or maybe some blues. I got it bad and that ain’t good. This was all supposed to go away after the 15th Slam and the FO. The sound you hear is the me howling at the moon.

  2. Mia says :

    Nyahaha, game, set and match – Dootsiez. As for me, I try to look on the bright side – prospective worsening of the h2h averted! On to Estoril and Madrid, where the clay court plays fastest. But oh, the Sampras record – I hurt.

  3. pban says :

    You know what is worse than watching him play crap…. reading the eurosprt guy describing his shitty tennis on the score updates😦 , great post doots you described my sentiments to a tee. He might as well not turn up if this is what he turns up with.

    • braggaditis says :

      “He might as well not turn up if this is what he turns up with.”
      Absolutely!

      oh doots.
      You should really scream this aloud in the ears of Fediot. Somebody should turn the Fed away from Facebook and make him practice practice and practice. Posting the practice pics (PR?) doesn’t look good if he is going to win once in 4 matches. (he is 1/4 in his last 4 matches). In times like these, I miss the days when Fed was low-key about his pratice with absolutely no leak of info re what he does and where he is (to the extent of people questioning whether he did any practice at all). Today, Ernie was playing well and all; but Fed had no business losing this one. Re his grab on #1 rank and Pete’s record, he has really made things difficult for himself winning absolutely nothing in 3 months. From now till USO, he can only lose points. Worried.😦

      *realizes that cud be one of the most uncoordinated posts*

      *is still pissed*

  4. Alison says :

    doots… that is quite possibly the only rant that could have cheered me up today sister (and I am a writer and an Italian)! I will pole-vault in from NYC with you and we can kick his “sex-hair, baby-daddy, mirka-loving” arse together…

    deep breath… so here’s to 1. Mr. Allegrp picking up the pieces and kicking some doubles ass, 2. taking no prisoners at Estoril and 3. making them all pay at RG!

    thanks again doots for providing some solace on this day of Roman despair… keep up the good work!

  5. jfk says :

    5 all in the 3rd set!! Gahh. He got a gift from Gulbis and he couldn’t even hold. Why couldn’t sex hair be strong enough to win the match today? why? Serving at 52%?
    Losing 350 points😦
    and now I’m sobbing b/c there will be no FPF this week

  6. grace says :

    Doots i was so sad, great post you make my life better,
    I´m afraid about these losses are going to catch up to him at a Slam?What about the semi streak?

    • TGIF says :

      It’ll happen eventually – all streaks must end.

      Reminds me of when Fed lost to Safin at AO 2005, he was asked by the press whether all his success made the loss easier to take; he answered sth like, “No, I wanted to win and win and win until I retired . . .”

      I think that’s how alot of us feel about his career!🙂

  7. Noshali says :

    Amazing post dootz. Really, this all reminds me of 2008, and I really can’t handle another year like that..

    I knew the lung infection was a signal. Dear god. I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna switch to a more calming sport like cricket.

  8. cecilia says :

    o gawd
    ur post made me laugh when i was so upset
    i was talking about this match with some friends last night andi was just saying that since it’s not baggy there is less to worry about
    i didnt even think of roger’s match during work today until a customer (that talks to me about tennis) told me “Hey u know federer lost”
    and i nearly chucked a fit in front of him
    i wasnt expecting anything even close to this

    roger, dont do this to me anymore

    or i wont watch u at RG

  9. pban says :

    He has taken his GOAT status to heart so much so that his brain has turned to goat-poop,what other explanation can there be for such retard like displays against 3 of the renowned dimwits in ATP.By the way has anyone recovered enough to do the maths yet,the closest anyone is to upsetting his applecart is Djoko and that gives me some hope.

  10. Jack says :

    I suppose we can’t expect Grand Slam Fed all year round but it would be nice if he turned at a non-slam once in a while!

    Maybe this is just a whole plan by Roger to make himself look vulnerable so come RG – KA-BOOM!!!…….(that was him destroying the field, not self-exploding!🙂 )

    Thats me thinking positively…..or maybe crazy!

    Anyway, he’s still in doubles so that good…..right?!

  11. pban says :

    I think that is you thinking crazy Jack, KABOOM!!! indeed that will be the sound of all our collective hearts exploding after RG.Sorry Jack I am just being miserable and pessimistic and mean, good to stay in practice for future use you know.

    • dootsiez says :

      Hahaha sheesh pban, stop being so cheerful!

      Ernie’s just another Volandri! Just like how Birdy and Baggy were Canas. You know it’s true!

      (Okay no, you don’t. But play along with me here).

      So Roger’s going to lose Roland Garros. That’s probably not so awesome. But he still has his chances at Wimby and US Open. Don’t start frazzling your socks off yet.

      • pban says :

        Wimby…. aargh doots what’s the point in asking me not to frazzle and then reminding me of the one word that will send me into a frazzling frenzy.I would love to play along doots if only I could be sure about the rest of the year mirroring 2007.

  12. Maria says :

    hellooo there! I just recently discovered your unique blog and dont remember if i have commented before but…wow!! your sense of humor is priceless and quite frankly, this post, although angry and sad, Really made me feel so much better! made me take the loss lighter and more positively! And of course , as always, made me LMAO😛
    keep up the good work! and THANKS!😀

  13. Dippylyc says :

    Pretty pls, I still need fedporn this friday. Win or lose, I am in pretty bad shape though i do share your sentiments, oh fudge

  14. sita says :

    Oh Doots, this blog is the only place I can seek refuge in when having to deal with one of these dreaded losses . You even made me smile which is a lot under these circumstances.

    I just want that #1 record now. Gah…does the poop brain even count the no. of points he needs to get there ? Or are we to tear out our hair with those calculations while he goes about these WTF losses ?

    As for the FPF – it is not fair to punish us for his fault, no ?😛

  15. luvfedgame says :

    May I add my pleas in re FPF , i really look forward to it every friday so please don’t punish us cos Feddy won’t behave. Plus he won in doubles today so ……

  16. pban says :

    Doots I second your decision regarding FPF,Iam too pissed off with him to bear any of his dorkiness ,doubles win or not. No time out for that goat-head.

  17. breadstix says :

    preach it sister.

    i’ve pressed the panic button so many times over the past few years that I don’t think it even works anymore. ernie had the choke of the year and still he won. damn you feddy,. damn ytou.

    /faithless

  18. roadrunnerz says :

    I couldn’t BELIEVE he got broken, like what, seconds after saving, what, three or four match points??

    Un-frickin-believable.

    I was only watching scoreboard tennis from work and I was ready to throw things.

    Oh Fed.

    Oh Doots. Thanks for this post. For putting it all in words much better than I ever could.

    • dootsiez says :

      Think of it this way – Ernie pretty much broke himself in the third set against Feddy in Doha this year. Roger was just being generous and repaying his debts. *sobz*

  19. judy says :

    great post doots! i’m sorry you have been forced to use caps in a non-happy way. i was starting to feel like the only one who was pissed and frustrated at rog about this! i try to be positive, but he drives me crazy some times and i know it’s all gravy, but come on, he can do so much better. best line of yours:

    ‘Tennis players are like caviar, once you taste the real thing, you don’t ever want to go back to that fake shit again.’

    bring back vintage fed, but keep the shortish, boyish haircuts! you make me laugh and i totally understand your wanting to suspend FPF! i am hating that he’s been looking so great in print and in rome and now no more rog for a while. dubs on court 5.😦 is anyone in the states even going to air estoril?!

    i still love him and my federbear isn’t locked away, but i’m definitely treating him like rog treats the hawkeye system! with total disdain!

  20. Forehand Shanker says :

    doots: my sentiments are probably a bit more toned down than yours, but i certainly hope mirka or sev are giving roger a good kick in the butt: “you shouldn’t be losing like this”.

    btw, tigs at tennis.com has a great post comparing this latest loss to a shitty dylan album, self-portrait http://dlvr.it/g2Tq

    i really hope this is not the beginning of the great decline.

    • dootsiez says :

      “i really hope this is not the beginning of the great decline.”

      In 2007, they said we were due for a great decline. In 08, they said we were due for a great decline. In 09 they said we were due for a great decline …

      Waiting for Feddykins to decline is like waiting for … Godot.

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