If …

The Stockholm “If …” Open, apart from having a conditional clause for a name, sounds like something out of a postmodern satire of our tennis romanticism.

Club mix music. Hot royalty. Ball boys catching yellow-fuzzies in HOOPS and dancing to Bette Midler’s “The Rose”. It was like synchronised swimming, minus the glitter and fucking scary nose clips.


On top of all that, there is that all-important, philosophical question bugging all of you this week during the “If …” Open : IF WHAT?

If the theme of 2010 Federfuckery had been “second set funk-outs”, then the theme of Stockholm was clear the “early first set break”: against Wawrinka, Ljubicic and Mayer.

If only Roger Federer had played this kind of calm, steady, persistent tennis regardless of the score line earlier in the year, Pete Sampras would have one less record standing right now.

If a final in Toronto, a title in Cincinnati, a final in Shanghai and a title in Stockholm within the space of 3 months were signs of a player “lacking motivation”, then he must be one helluva GOAT with motivation.

If only he’d won something other than a Mickey Mouse tournament against an opponent looked like Mickey Mouse.

If the Crown Princess of Sweden gets to do this, THEN I BELIEVE IN MONARCHIES AGAIN.


If picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?


If a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am I to go?


Before we venture into mushier territories, Vika and Vinci each took home WTA titles in Moscow and Luxembourg respectively. Not much to it – both of them need to pace themselves, Vika for Doha and Vinci for her Fed Cup duties.

On the ATP front, over in Moscow, the Ghost of Trotsky overcame a first set deficit to take home his maiden title, defeating a rude, pissed-off Marcos Baghdatis 3-6 6-4 6-3.

There is a good reason why Troicki reminds me of an anal-retentive owl watching the US Open from an Australian time zone.




xx doots


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24 responses to “If …”

  1. TennisAce says :

    Oh doots, you never fail to make me laugh. Troicki and the Owl. Ultimate Win. OMG.

    The look on Mirka’s face when looking at her man is priceless. I tell you something I would love for someone to show me a picture of all the other WAGs looking at their man like this. The picture captures everything that is in Mirka’s heart.

    Excellent result for us Fed fans. He played wonky in the first couple of rounds but good to see him staying motivated to take a title that carries no points, does nothing to add to his greatness, but was a sign to his many fans once again just what an upright and loyal fellow he is. He promised his friends that he would play their tournament and he did. Going all the way to the championship and taking the title.

  2. Matt Zemek says :

    Doots –

    Federbear made you write this at gunpoint, didn’t he? I think he should continue to duct-tape your mouth. This was MAHHHH-VULUSS. I laughed a lot.

    But now that I’m thinking about Troicki, I can only think of one thing, and it doesn’t make me happy.

    You still rule, Doots. Thanks.

    • dootsiez says :

      What a stoopid Moonpie you are! Endorsing Federbear’s emotional abuse of me!

      I blame all the woes of my life on Troicki and his rhyme with opinion.

  3. Carol says :

    Oh Yeah! Sometimes I think he’s such a genius that he just toys with other players – like a cat with a mouse, you know – almost lets them get away then drags them back and crushes them. And if it’s not a big enough challenge he doesn’t get psyched for it at all. AND if someone has beaten him he just wants revenge and then he loses interest – like at the US open, he clobbered Soderling to get back at him, then he lost interest and lost the rest of the matches. Then at the Shanghai tournament he clobbered Djokavic to get back at him for taking him out of the US Open, and since he’s already embarrassed and humiliated Andy Murray this year at the Australian Open he lets him win. Otherwise why is he a magical genius one day and a complete fumblebum the next?!!!
    Oh well, #2, another record (breaking Sampras’), and another trophy from a new country – not a bad haul I guess, Plus that look from Mirka – priceless!

  4. Carol says :

    OK – change ‘revenge’ to ‘prove he can beat them when he wants to’. Our Fed doesn’t exact ‘revenge’…

  5. sofi says :

    Every single player except Rafa will trade his year for Roger´s crappy season, not so bad at all, the guy has a Slam, the happy one, way to go Roger!!!

  6. bwlass says :

    Lovely win and Mirka lovin’ her man.SIGH!!!

    By the way Roger took 160 points or so from Stockholm so he did get more than a trophy and a sneak kiss from the princess bride.

  7. dari says :

    Great work, doors! Where do you get these pictures?! I saw the trophy ceremony and roger kissing the princess behind the trophy and almost died! Thx for bringing back the image! Happy for Rog, no matter how small the tourney.

  8. Jack says :

    It may not be the biggest win of his career but its always great to see him lifting the trophy at the end of the week.

    Anyone know what that “ra ra ra” at the end of the trophy ceremony was all about?? 🙂

    Also, Troicki and the Owl. So funny!! 😀

  9. jfK says :

    Congrats Roger on equaling Pete. When he was down a set and a break to Wawa for the QFs I thought here we go again, just like Estoril and Halle. But he surprised me. I’m proud of him. Lucky Princess…actually Lucky Mirka 😉

  10. dari says :

    I found this video when I was searching for some Stockholm footage of Roger. What a weirdo is 19-20 year old Roger!
    love it though!

  11. Katarina_YYZ says :

    OMFG… I saw the ballboys’ dance routine, but not whatever they were doing in that first pic…. looks like Jonestown! yikes.
    Great tournament for Roger. And it didn’t have a mickey mouse draw to start… it’s not his fault Broiled Snoring and Birdbrain got knocked out early. And congrats to the owl, too. It is good to get your confidence back after whiffing on a handful of MPs against Nadal in Tokyo.

  12. Maria says :

    What a great post! I laughed so hard at the IF WHAT? part… I couldn’t stop wondering about it the whole week myself! LOL

  13. Deborah says :

    It may have been a small tourney with no live coverage in the US but the match commentator on live stream was wonderul and showed it is possible to cover one of Roger’s matches without mentioning he-who-shall-not-be-named. Funny, I don’t recall anyone bad mouthing other top players when they play a ATP 250. I guess the media always has an asterisk waiting for whatever Roger does.

    • Vanilla says :

      Deborah, it’s actually worse than that. He-who-shall-not-be-named LOST at the last ATP250 event he entered (Bangkok), to a player ranked 58 or something. Maybe Roger should have lost in Stockholm. Apparently the media respects that more than a win. Rafa then went on to say Garcia Lopez beat him there because he played agressive tennis, but that “it wasn’t difficult to play agressive” against him that day. And again, the media blamed the loss on poor Rafa’s knees and praised his humble attitude. Are you kidding me??

  14. jandemom says :

    Voldemort plays tennis? 😉

    Enjoyed your post & commentary as usual, doots; loved the photo of Mirka & Rog & it was great to see him play well & focused throughout the week. Hope he plays well in Basel as I’m sure he’d love to win his home tournament again. come on!

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