If you’re squishy and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*

Uh-One! Uh-Two! Uh-One-Two-Three!

If you’re squishy and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*


If you’re squishy and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*


If you’re squishy and you know it and you weeeeeeally want to show-it if you’re Squishy and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*


No really, I love their whole fucking family. ADOPT ME.

It has come to my attention that Roger Federer is on a non-slam run of 7 finals. 2 consecutive titles. A full set of slam, ATP1000, ATP500, and ATP250. Yet for some reason, as I crawled into bed yesterday defeated by the clusterfuck that is my life, I felt certain (I was so very sure!) that he would lose the Basel final.

Don’t get me wrong: it wasn’t based on form or any rational basis, for his tennis has been of a very high quality this last week, constantly causing my ovaries to flutter with infatuation and girly-squeals. My lack of faith in Fed was founded, instead, on Dootsie’s Universal Theory of Holy-Shit-I-Haven’t-Yelled-At-Him-For-Three-Weeks.

What a strange and foreign feeling this is! Surely, I’m about to wake up to the familiar rumble of rage? Surely, it’s about time I let out a bloodcurdling “ROGER FUCKERRERRRRR!!!”? Surely, the other shoe is bound to drop right NAOOO?!

So fancy my surprise this morning when I woke up to the gloriooous news that Mr Squishyballs has taken out Novak Djokovic in the Basel final in 3 sets.

Win a three setter? Against a Top 10 player?! Without imploding into a million little piles of turd?

How flabbergasting! I mean, I was like – WHUT?

However rusty, however unsettled, however braindead he appeared to be at times, he fought through. He closed emphatically. And he displayed the kind of fierceness lacking in him at times earlier this year, the kinda fierce that read: Get off my perfectly-mown award-winning finest-in-all-of-Swusserland lawn bitch!


I wasn’t impressed by the match: the first two sets were very much won by unforced errors rather than constructivism, while the last set was … abrupt. But I was impressed by the emotions we saw from Federer. Sure, it’s his home tournament, but I hadn’t expected him to care this much until the last game of the match, where it all became so visible. There was a point at 30-0 5-1, when Federer constructed a point, closed in at the net and anticipated Djokovic’s pass with a perfectly placed volley. He skipped around – arched his body – and let out a feisty – ‘FUCHEINE YEEEEHACHT!’

Which I’m pretty sure is what Swiss German sounds like for FUCK YEAH!

As they say at the US Open: it must be love.



Umm. I may or may not have made that up. I think it should be my cheer anyway.

I’m not making this up though:


And you know what? I don’t even care if he wins Paris or not. The last Masters of the year has never been indicative of anything but a maimed field. It has the status without the substance. London is the short term goal: There are top 8 scores to be settled. H2Hs to be enhanced, and most of all – it would be the finish he ideally wants, to validate the kind of year that would only be mediocre by his standards, and to complete the set of slam, Masters, 500, 250 … a tick in each box.

Enough speculation! More sing-alongs!

Oh why do stars, fall down form the sky? Every time, you walk by?


The light – Basel Original. Not the result of my twinkering.

… Just like me, they long to be, close to youuuuu …


I’ll leave you to sing the chorus yourselves. Because I think you get the point.

xx doots

Oh Wogie.


Tags: ,

44 responses to “If you’re squishy and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*”

  1. FortuneCookie says :

    It would be completely understandable if Roger just decided to go ‘fuck this,I have my money,my place in history,an amazing wife and two little awwsqueeeegoocheycoos’ (otherwise known as his daughters) and went off to his chalet and got fat from Lindt,BUT HE’S FURTHER AWAY FROM THAT THAN EVER.
    The reaction on match point (I only saw from 4-1 up 3rd set) surprised me,for the same reasons you said.It’s so impressive to me that he’s still this motivated and up for the fight after everything,I mean the guy was pretty much crying after he won!
    He’s showing in this ridiculous run he’s had since Wimbly that you’re fucking insane to write him off (where is Tomas Berdych incidentally?),because again and again he’ll prove to you that he’s nowhere near ready to give up and let the young guys rule…and for all those who don’t seem to listen to him saying he’s not retiring after the Olympics,just remember that there’s only almost as much time between now and that as the time that’s passed since RG last year,does that man in those pics look like he’s going anywhere?YEAH DIDN’T THINK SO.

    Oh and Rog,don’t now think it’s funny to lose 1st round Paris or in front of me (plz tourney organisers,WED PM SESSION!) at the WTF okay?

    • dootsiez says :

      I would give you a Marilyn kiss for that, but I’m saving them ALL (yes ALL!!!!) for Wogie.

      Actually I don’t mind it if he loses in Paris. Okay, maybe not in the first round. Maybe not to Andy fooking Murray. But yer know, a nice quarterfinal run, pick up some easy points and good practice, then MOVE ON to WTF! Priorities!



  2. PJ says :

    I actually thought he IS going to win. And then I thought I’d jinxed him by thinking so. He’s been playing spectacularly all week (without me watching live boo hoo) so I was thinking no way in hell he’s gonna lose to Djokovic in BASEL but then again, I should never discount his ability to brainfart, of course. I didn’t last for the whole match – well, fell asleep in the middle which explained the lack of FUCK YOU FERD in my Twitter timeline – but I caught the beginning and the end, and like ya, I’m most eastatic by the fact that HE STILL WANTS IT. ALL OF IT. Which means he will be around and he will always try to play his best (when he’s not locked in the bathroom by Ferd, that is).

    I’m not having any high hopes for Paris where it has become the tourney tradition of Fed Konking Early, but I have to admit I’m having hopes for WTF, and of course, AO2011 baybeh!

    Hooray bloggage, by the way. No one puts words across like the way you do, especially when it concerns one yummy Wogie McFed.

  3. sita says :

    Ah Doots….I have been on cloud 65 since the match, the trophy ceremony etc, but the whole euphoria didn’t feel complete until………I read this post !!
    Like you, I had resigned myself to the fate of Novak spoiling the Basel party yet another time what with the Toronto and Shanghai finals against Murray still fresh in memory. And at the end of the second set, I thought it was officially over. And then there was that third set !!!
    Who cares if Novak played terrible and the first two sets were UE -fests, the point is HE WON !!! That’s all that matters. Don’t care for Paris or even London , honestly. Given how things looked around RG and Wimbledon, I’ll take the non-slam run of 7 finals, Stockholm,Basel victories and say thank you.
    *clap* *clap* *clap*

  4. jandemom says :

    Congratulations to Roger for a wonderful week in Basel. Didn’t play as well in the final as he had during the week (which was pretty much perfect), but it was great to see how much he really wanted to get that big trophy back in his hands & it was great to see his emotions at the end of the match. I am sure this run he’s on is giving him a confidence boost (everyone needs that now & then, even the best – no?).

    And those little girls are just adorable in every way. Lucky Roger & Mirka.

  5. Vanilla says :

    Isn’t it cute that he has one of those medals they give the ball kids around his neck? And that he looks more interested in the pizza than the ball kids? And that he still gets tears in his eyes when he wins a tourney he’s already won 3 times in a row? …. Basically, ain’t he just the cutest thing?

  6. sue w says :

    I’ve *lurked* on here for ages but I was getting worried………I thought Dootzie had fallen out with Wogie McSquishyballs, nothing written about him for ages!! OMG!! Boo Hoo ………..or so I thought ……….until today.Yippee we have a post about the most Squishy of all time!! And on top of that The Mighty Babes !! Clapping their little hearts out even though they dont know why LOL !! Bless their cotton sock!! . WondeRFul win yesterday, absolutely over the moon for him !! Paris, whatever everything there is a bonus its WTF that matters!! Saw him last year for the very 1st time live in London, only match I went to he lost to Davy, Pffffft……..so not going this year so as not to jinx him……..he can do that all on his lonesome !! lol

    Just wanted to say what a fabulous blog you have here! 2nd place I come after logging into RF.Com. As long as its about Roger I’m a happy bunny, anyone else and I dont bother, sorry to say. Keep up the good work!!

    • dootsiez says :

      Tsk tsk, Sue, I must write about people-not-named-Roger-Federer. Especially when they make Wogie look so pretty in comparison!

      And no worries – I will never be over Fed! I would rather be under Fed!

      • sue.w says :

        Wogie is delicious without having to talk about ‘other’ players especially *kilted* ones YUK !! Only my opinion of course but I see your point!! lol …… Poor Mirka having all these lusting women drooling over her hubby!! Count me in that camp too!!! When do FedPorn Fridays start again ? The highlight of my week ………and serious squeeeeeeeeeeee for the babies !! Utterly gorgeous and awwww inducing little peeps!! No wonder he’s such a happy man!! He could be happier with me but its his loss I say!! LOL….(God if you could see me ) *insert rolly eyes* …………
        Anyway great to be on board and look forward to many more squishy moments here !!

  7. Matt Zemek says :

    If there’s a better chronicle of the fan experience in relationship to Roger Federer – at least from a distaff perspective – I haven’t seen it.

    This is such immeasurably enjoyable word-and-picture craftsmanship. Don Draper Tennis and Karen Carpenter songs – two of my favorite things in the whole world – with a lot of poignant eloquence and powerful portraits in between, all dedicated to a champion and a sportsman who continues to show that his heart lies in Basel, Switzerland, and that his roots mean a lot to who he is, who he has become, and where this magical life began.

    The fact that Federer cares so much isn’t just great to see in relationship to the quality of his tennis or the results he’s producing after his Zenyatta-like lose-by-a-nose-finish in New York (it’s the perfect sports parallel to Zenyatta, the Federer of horse racing); Roger’s level of passion is so wonderful to behold because it reveals the exact antithesis of a spoiled, pampered athlete (and tennis player) who shows up at events to collect appearance fees or fulfill obligations in the most minimal sense. When Federer steps on court, he’s fit to play, and when he shows up at a tournament (Monte Carlo 2009 was an understandable exception for certain blissful reasons), he sinks his teeth into it.

    Being jaded, I don’t expect athletes to care this much about second-tier tournaments when they have more money than God and more fame than the woman blowing kisses to a camera at the end of this post. Federer, though, as he does in so many ways, goes against type. All the crap, all the negative publicity and the disillusioning stories you see with so many multimillionaire athletes, does not come along for the flight with Federer. No baggage here (save for the occasional snippy press conference, which is pretty damn good under the banner/category of, “Worst Sins By A Pro Athlete).

    What a man in full, Roger Federer.

    What a blogger in full, Dootsie The Woger Wuver.

    What a joy to come here and see these word-picture gems.

    The attendance at the St. Jakobshalle (arena) in Basel is roughly 9,200. Therefore, I close with another line from a Karen Carpenter classic:

    “I’ve acted out my life in stages, with 10,000 people watching. But we’re alone now and I’m singin’ this song for you.”

    • dootsiez says :

      A Song for you!

      You know how to praise Moonpie, thanks for the lovely words 😀 At the end of the day, if a few soupuss comments after a devastating loss is all that haters can come up with re Roger Federer, then it’s a pretty good reflection on his character, isn’t it?

      Onwards and upwards!

  8. dari says :

    I’m so glad you summed up this experience for us! Just lovely, great post!
    And those girls are too cute in their old lady plaid shirts. wow. They just look so much like roger/robbie!
    I also noticed that Diana looks just like lynnette, some strong genes in the family!
    CONGRATULATIONS to Roger! I am so happy for this win, it just feels so right. I don’t mind about Paris, do want the London title though! Hope he can find some rest thru all this winning, or else just let it all out for the end of the season and show these boys just how YOUNG he is!Go roger!

  9. fedfreak says :

    Am so glad to log in and see a new post..was getting serious withdrawl symptoms, this blog is addictive Ms. Dootz!

    Great week for fedfans capped off by a trophy and a sighting of those squishy babes…fedheaven, nothing left to say except Squeeeeeeeeeee!

  10. Alex says :

    When I saw Roger’s reaction to winning this event for the 4TH TIME, I knew that he fully has the passion for this game burning as hot as ever. I immediately booked the 2011 Indian Wells weekend ticket package as a result. It will be my first ever ATP event. Don’t let me down Ferd!!!!

  11. evie says :

    Yeah, crazy to see how much it meant to him. I replayed that moment a few times. Sweet. I’ve seen him win U.S. Open titles with less emotion. He still has the heart of a wide-eyed ballboy in Basel. Can’t wait for the next Bodo article questioning his motivation for non-slams.

    Roger played some shocking shots in the match, especially in the third, but he held it together. It obviously helped that Nole did the same. I still can’t help feeling bad, though, about his loss to Novak at USO. Not sure how he managed it.

    The girls are adorable, of course. So perfect for them to make their tennis tournament debut in Basel.


    • dootsiez says :

      Evie I would trade 5 of these victories for one at a slam, but I read a few Roger quotes yesterday, and I know he wouldn’t. He would actually rather win in Basel in front of his home crowd, family and his two little girls.

      • Matt Zemek says :

        I would have traded 10 Basels, 10 Stockholms and 20 Cincinnatis for the US Open semifinal win over Djokovic.

        Might have even considered the head of John the Baptist, too.

        And $5 million cash.

        And a player to be named later.



  12. jandemom says :

    Forgive me, doots, for not mentioning earlier how good it was to see a new post on the picket fence. You really do have a way with words & photos – even when you’re yelling at Roger 🙂 Hope life calms down a bit for you.

  13. Lady B Good. says :

    So glad our Legend in Lavender won yesterday, onwards and upwards Roger! What a fantastic Swiss
    Family Federer they all are, and those two cuties, Roger’s pride and Joys, apart from his trophy room!
    Hey Roger wait till they start talking properly giving you cheek, Daddy i want this, Daddy i want that!
    Your two bundles of joys!
    Good luck in Bercy, love to see you don the all black Darth Federer look again, he’d look good in just
    about everything, so elegant, so classy, sooooooooooo Roger! Love you!
    By the way i never miss an episode of Mad Men, superb television!

  14. A_Gallivant says :

    Can it be true that I’ve missed your posts almost as much as I’ve missed our fabulous boy in lavendar?!? They do go hand in hand sometimes!

    Great read today Doots and I too want Fed to focus on the end game and get the heck out of Paris unscathed.

  15. Deborah says :

    Doots! This made my day! Especially since the current state of rf.com makes me wonder if it has been possessed by the spirits of a Bodo-like ghost working for Uncle Toni with a side bet going with Simon Reed. Best fan community ever is under siege. But, thanks to the unpredictable Tennis Channel, I have the final on DVD and can watch those magic moments again and again. I too was struck by how much it all meant to him. The stat that blew me away was that this win means Roger has won nine different tournaments, four times or more. Amazing!

  16. Jack says :

    So glad he won yesterday, and loved his reaction when he won!! It really showed how much this win meant to him.

    Hope he keeps wearing the lavender in Paris and London as since he’s been wearing it, he’s been on a good run of form.

    Also, doots, as you love Mad Men, what would your reaction be when I tell you I have never seen a single episode of Mad Men in my life?? 🙂

  17. Jodi says :

    The real question is – what on earth can we eat that’s lavender? The neapolitan Federcones were such a success, after all… 😉

    • dootsiez says :

      I’ve been pondering that question myself Jodi. We might need to go for some gourmet flavoured icecreams – yams? Grapes-flavoured?

      It’s a very serious dilemma we have here.

  18. BS says :

    The twins are gorgeous! I’m delighted he was able to get revenge for last year, it made this title all the more sweeter. I hadn’t thought about the non-slam final run until you mentioned it…it shows he’s still doing well even after his “demise” 😛 No expectations for Paris, I would just like him to do well in London 🙂

  19. jfK says :

    “FUCHEINE YEEEEHACHT!” needs to be the new catch phrase here,
    but really what a great win for Roger he wanted it so badly, and his reaction when he had match pt. was awesome. :D.
    Please don’t crash out of Paris early, Rog. We love you in lavender!!

  20. Freudo says :

    Blueberry ice cream is lavender, I think

  21. pban says :

    lavender, pink what is it with Roger and these colours

  22. Chairman, Federer Puny Left Arm Society says :

    Didn’t think the Chairman would say this! Roger may actually be number 1 sometime next year and break Pete’s record for longest #1.

    Also the Chairman, through his secret society has learned that the Puny Left Arm dude has upped his string tension by 4-4.5 lbs. Partly responsible for his sharp game. Partly due to some balding cone bring discipline to his game.

    Note: Discipline includes winning the first set, then promptly dropping serve at the beginning of the 2nd set.

    • dootsiez says :

      Well long time no see Chairy!

      “Also the Chairman, through his secret society has learned that the Puny Left Arm dude has upped his string tension by 4-4.5 lbs.”


  23. Katarina_YYZ says :

    Well of course the twins are squishy. They have the squishy genes from the ultimate Squishmeister… the king of Squishyland (mistakenly recorded as “Switzerland” by drunken scribes of the Middle Ages). 😉

    There was so much stress and hype over the broken SemiFinal streak, new coach, etc, but now things have calmed down. I hope Roger can keep this relaxed and peaceful vibe around him for a long time; it really seems to help him to play his best..Good luck in Paris-Bercy, my sweet, squishy one!

  24. Matt Zemek says :




  25. pban says :

    Can the twins look anymore like Roger….its uncanny.

  26. bwlass says :

    Okay dootsiez… this site is too hilarious to miss. Wonderful place to come to sigh and cheer and laugh. and even if Roger had lost I’m sure you would have done something to cheer us up….am i right?

    I’m still drooling over all the pics from the weekend and those adorable babies and a soo so happy Roger. What a great win and on his home turf.

    Now let’s pick up some points in Paris!!!!!

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