Since I’ve been gone …
Since I took a break after the Aus Open, I have been traveling, frolicking, working, and generally going through a shopping list of mundane chores that inevitably arrives in the last few weeks of my summer break. But with Wogie and his incredible moobs set to return to the scene next week in Dubai, tennis beckoned and I came running back like a long-lost lover yearning for some desperate sexytimez.
Oh yeth, La Doots is open for business again, bitches! Grumpier, pornier and more abusive than ever. AND SEXYTIMEZ WE HAVE. RIGHT HERE: courtesy of Credit Suisse.
And it is also courtesy of Credit Suisse that we have this video of Wogie, speaking about being a success … or something along those lines.
(Actually, I have no idea what he was speaking about in the video. It was kinda hard to concentrate when the top two buttons of his shirt were invitingly undone. Moving on …)
Cheek-pinchers, line up in A SINGLE FILE BEHIND ME. When we’re done with those rosy cheeks, Wogie McFed’s face will be as swollen as his Uranus-sized ego. Kidding, kidding! I love him. And his Uranus.
Wogie: “You like my **air quotations**? Andy Roddick taught me how to use them. Like ‘Andy and I have a great **rivalry**’. ‘Novak Djokovic has **ear cramps**’. ‘Fernando Verdasco plays **real tennis**.’ ‘Andy Murray will **win a slam**’ … oh wait, am I still doing it right?”
In actual tennis news: I have no idea what’s going on.
Except for that fact that Milos Raonic is causing half the tennis world to go ape shits over him and his MASSIVE NOSTRILS. Nostrils large enough, in fact, to contain SORE LOSERS shaped like Fernando Verdasco.
“For me that’s not a real match in tennis. I hope to play soon against him in clay court to show him what it is to play tennis, and play rallies, and run, and not [just] serve.
“I think he was more lucky than me in the tiebreak. He hit the line at 5-5 with a return and when you are at that point in the match and are lucky to put a ball on the line then you have big options to win the match.” – Fernando Verdasco
I’m sorry, Nando. So clay court slugfests = “real” tennis now, eh? Poor Sampras. By your logic, he now has no “real” slams and 14 phoney, counterfeit ones. Wogie only has one of the real deal. And your pal Rafael Nadal fares better, but hey, poor him too! I mean, what was he THINKING? Going off to improve his serve for surfaces people outside Spain actually give a shit about.
As for Raonic, we’ve been waiting so long for the next generation of tennis players to “arrive” that you almost expected a degree of hype and backlash against any new kid on the block, and I’ve seen evidence of both.
Personally, I neither like nor dislike Raonic. His style of play – efficient and no-frills as it may be – ultimately boils down to the serve, the IN-YO-EFFING-FACE mentality and a healthy dose of je ne sais quoi. It’s not artistic, it’s not spectator-oriented. You won’t catch any Rafa-like gets or Federersque stunts. But dude knows how to win. What more do you want?
And in any case, we can do a lot worse for this sport than a straight-talking, big-serving breakout kid from a North American country starved of tennis darlings. But perhaps it’s best that we all wait until the hype and backlash die down before we decide whether to book a seat on the Raonic bandwagon.
Oh, and in case you’ve been living under a rock:
- Raonic is in his second ATP final this week in Memphis against Roddick, who took out the So-Top-200 Juan Martin del Poop for the first time in his career.
- Cilic and Kuznetsova kept on winning after the Australian Open for a change, and are both in tournament finals this week (Marseille and Dubai respectively).
- Soderling is in yet another final in France (Marseille). Dude should just be given honourary citizenship there.
- On the vaginal side of things, Carol was like the No 1, then Kim was like “the real No 1”, then Carol was, like, back to No 1, and all the while I was like, No 1 in my lunch box.
And here’s what you missed in the last 3 weeks.