Weekly Wrap: Back to Dystopia.
1. If you’re anything like me, this is what you’ve been doing since January 2011.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Tomas I-hold-grudges-longer-than-a-hormonal-teenage-girl Berdych?
Tomas Coleslaw-is-fractionally-more-interesting-than-my-personality Berdych?
Excuthe meh. I just gagged so hard while reliving this recurring nightmare that my stomach acid burnt a hole through my tongue.
After a promising start against del Potro, followed by – in all honesty – a routine, blasé win over Flake, Fuckerer’s Cincy campaign once again ended with a whimper with a 62 76 defeat to Coleslaw.
On the plus side,
he didn’t lose to Farty Dish I think Federer has had just enough match practice going into the US Open without risking injury, unintentional as it may be. But on the other hand, the matches he has played this US Open Series featured a rather bipolar mixture of funhouse tennis and shithouse tennis. Not the kind of form that inspires confidence, or anything other than blind hope going into the US Open.
I wonder if this is what living with an Alzheimers’ patient is like. I can write about the low percentage of second serves won. I can talk about the way he approaches 0-30 games, 0-40 chances. I can rage against the implosion in the second set tiebreak. But sometimes, no matter how hard you look, the Mighty Fed is just not there.
2. What is there left to say on the Cincinnati men’s final? Yes. Djokovic was in visible discomfort for most of the final. And no. Murray has never had a problem racing away in a final when 150 thousand years of major title drought isn’t close to breaking, especially when his opponent managed to commit 28 unforced errors in a little over a set and a half.
Satan explained his decision to retire post match, claiming an injury to his right shoulder, which prevented him from serving effectively.
“You know, I could have maybe played another couple of games, but what for?”
What for? For your opponent? For the crowd, who paid in money and time to come and watch a Masters final. And for this stupid concept we call “sportsmanship”. But don’t worry, it’s not important or anything.
I’m all for self-preservation leading up to a grand slam, but at 64 30 in a Masters final, what’s another few games?
3. In an alternative universe, the Cincy women’s final would be all about the banalities of women’s tennis on full display – double faults donated generously to needy and underprivileged opponents, breaks of serve traded like Pokemon cards in early noughties school yard, grunting, sliding, glaring, on-court coaching …
And in truth, the Cincy women’s final was indeed about all of those things. Except only this time, it managed to transgress the normal standards of shit into dramatic, train wreckage-level, entertaining shit. It was the tennistical equivalent watching two women grabbing each other’s hair and punching each other in the boobs, so ridiculously fun that you can’t help but keep watching.
2 hours and 49 minutes and 16 breaks of serve later, Sharapova grunted her way to the title like a banshee in labour, 46 76 63.
This win puts Sharapova at No 4 in the rankings, and No 1 in the race. Don’t look, because someone’s going to finish 2011 as the No 1 player on tour for the first time in her career.
4. Question: Who is a bigger favourite for the US Open – Satan or Serena? Results suggest Djokovic. The Minion Index suggests Serena.
5. Sometimes it takes an outsider to state something so glaringly obvious: two words used by Federer to describe US electoral politics in one of his pressers last week – ‘length’ and ‘brutality’. Bingo.
“Well, I don’t watch the reality shows a whole lot. To be honest, I don’t watch as much TV here. Maybe it’s just in the last few years since I’ve had my kids. Life has changed a bit. But, you know, I’ve always been interested in more geographics, you know, knowing more about the cities I’m in, you know, all the states. I’m still trying to get all the states right and stuff. It’s hard. I’m telling you, it’s like, ‘Tell me all the European countries out there.’ I couldn’t tell you. It’s tricky, and I’ve been to not all the States here in this country. And then obviously I did follow the presidential race with Obama, for instance, quite closely, because this time around I thought I was old enough and interested enough; whereas the last time I just heard it somewhat and I couldn’t believe the length of it and the brutality of it, you know. So felt like every president should be extremely tired becoming the president, you know, and this is actually when the job starts. So it’s pretty fascinating to watch, I’m definitely going to follow it the next time around the same thing again.”
This is too fucking much: record-breakingly rich and successful, dorky and down-to-earth Swiss tennis superstar with obscenely luscious hair, who doesn’t watch reality TV but takes an interest instead in US presidential politics on top of his ridiculously packed schedule. Umm … WHAT’S THE CATCH?
Oh wait …