Weekly Wrap: Back to Dystopia.

1. If you’re anything like me, this is what you’ve been doing since January 2011. 


Tomas Berdych?

Tomas I-hold-grudges-longer-than-a-hormonal-teenage-girl Berdych?

Tomas Coleslaw-is-fractionally-more-interesting-than-my-personality Berdych?

Excuthe meh. I just gagged so hard while reliving this recurring nightmare that my stomach acid burnt a hole through my tongue.

After a promising start against del Potro, followed by – in all honesty – a routine, blasé win over Flake, Fuckerer’s Cincy campaign once again ended with a whimper with a 62 76 defeat to Coleslaw.

On the plus side, he didn’t lose to Farty Dish I think Federer has had just enough match practice going into the US Open without risking injury, unintentional as it may be. But on the other hand, the matches he has played this US Open Series featured a rather bipolar mixture of funhouse tennis and shithouse tennis. Not the kind of form that inspires confidence, or anything other than blind hope going into the US Open.

I wonder if this is what living with an Alzheimers’ patient is like. I can write about the low percentage of second serves won. I can talk about the way he approaches 0-30 games, 0-40 chances. I can rage against the implosion in the second set tiebreak. But sometimes, no matter how hard you look, the Mighty Fed is just not there.

2. What is there left to say on the Cincinnati men’s final? Yes. Djokovic was in visible discomfort for most of the final. And no. Murray has never had a problem racing away in a final when 150 thousand years of major title drought isn’t close to breaking, especially when his opponent managed to commit 28 unforced errors in a little over a set and a half.

Satan explained his decision to retire post match, claiming an injury to his right shoulder, which prevented him from serving effectively.

“You know, I could have maybe played another couple of games, but what for?”

What for? For your opponent? For the crowd, who paid in money and time to come and watch a Masters final. And for this stupid concept we call “sportsmanship”. But don’t worry, it’s not important or anything.

I’m all for self-preservation leading up to a grand slam, but at 64 30 in a Masters final, what’s another few games?

3. In an alternative universe, the Cincy women’s final would be all about the banalities of women’s tennis on full display – double faults donated generously to needy and underprivileged opponents, breaks of serve traded like Pokemon cards in early noughties school yard, grunting, sliding, glaring, on-court coaching …

And in truth, the Cincy women’s final was indeed about all of those things. Except only this time, it managed to transgress the normal standards of shit into dramatic, train wreckage-level, entertaining shit. It was the tennistical equivalent watching two women grabbing each other’s hair and punching each other in the boobs, so ridiculously fun that you can’t help but keep watching.

2 hours and 49 minutes and 16 breaks of serve later, Sharapova grunted her way to the title like a banshee in labour, 46 76 63.

This win puts Sharapova at No 4 in the rankings, and No 1 in the race. Don’t look, because someone’s going to finish 2011 as the No 1 player on tour for the first time in her career.

Obviously, they go to the same dentist.

4. Question: Who is a bigger favourite for the US Open – Satan or Serena? Results suggest Djokovic. The Minion Index suggests Serena.


5. Sometimes it takes an outsider to state something so glaringly obvious: two words used by Federer to describe US electoral politics in one of his pressers last week – ‘length’ and ‘brutality’. Bingo.

“Well, I don’t watch the reality shows a whole lot. To be honest, I don’t watch as much TV here. Maybe it’s just in the last few years since I’ve had my kids. Life has changed a bit. But, you know, I’ve always been interested in more geographics, you know, knowing more about the cities I’m in, you know, all the states. I’m still trying to get all the states right and stuff. It’s hard. I’m telling you, it’s like, ‘Tell me all the European countries out there.’ I couldn’t tell you. It’s tricky, and I’ve been to not all the States here in this country. And then obviously I did follow the presidential race with Obama, for instance, quite closely, because this time around I thought I was old enough and interested enough; whereas the last time I just heard it somewhat and I couldn’t believe the length of it and the brutality of it, you know. So felt like every president should be extremely tired becoming the president, you know, and this is actually when the job starts. So it’s pretty fascinating to watch, I’m definitely going to follow it the next time around the same thing again.”


This is too fucking much: record-breakingly rich and successful, dorky and down-to-earth Swiss tennis superstar with obscenely luscious hair, who doesn’t watch reality TV but takes an interest instead in US presidential politics on top of his ridiculously packed schedule. Umm … WHAT’S THE CATCH?

Oh wait …

Happily married.


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15 responses to “Weekly Wrap: Back to Dystopia.”

  1. FortuneCookie says :

    It seems like Roger’s tried this a few times… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he3T80PuwRk

  2. Deborah says :

    The Djoker:“You know, I could have maybe played another couple of games, but what for?”

    Doots: “What for? For your opponent? For the crowd, who paid in money and time to come and watch a Masters final. And for this stupid concept we call “sportsmanship”. But don’t worry, it’s not important or anything.”

    The “Established tennis media”: “crickets”

  3. Vishal says :

    Didn’t Nadal do this too? Last year at the Australian against Murray (again!!!)? And what happens? He wins the Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award 🙂

    • Deborah (shackle52) says :

      I totally expect the Djoker to receive the Edberg award, therby making sure it is completely a joke or Djoke. Tennis number ones post Federer: from class to trash

    • bibi says :

      There’s a difference: Djokovic has been having a 10-day soreness of a shoulder from Montreal, never had an MRI and is fully expecting to play USO; Nadal got a muscle tear on court, later confirmed by an MRI and was subsequently out of competition for a while.

  4. VanessaLovesTennis (@NessLovesTennis) says :

    Doots, I just freakin love you! That is about all I can say. I live for your posts! I have the “Federerporn” tab showing at the top of my screen when my 11-year-old son walks in and gasps at me and says WHATAREYOULOOKINGATMOTHER?! Too funny. I laughed for an hour I am sure. Keep ’em coming. You are much appreciated!

  5. Pika says :

    I was torn on who to cheer for in the women’s side of things. JJ was never my fave, but she’s steadily grown on me. Also, she hasn’t won a title in over a year, so I feel like this win would’ve meant a lot more for her. I’ve always liked Maria despite the fact that I’d normally not find her game attractive on anyone else. She’s horrible at moving, shrieks like a banshee, takes a shit ton of time b/w points, etc. LOL. But still, it’s impossible not to like her! Either result would’ve made me happy, so… Happy. The two were quite entertaining. FLove <333

    Djoko? Will never be my favorite. I'm going to be pissed if he gets the Stefan Edberg Sportsmanship Award. On an unrelated note, I do think Djoko handles being the top-ranked player a lot better than Rafa did.

    MAndy? His brother, Jamie, tweeted this on Sunday: "Sometimes u just gotta stand up and take it like a man." I hope he was saying that to Djoko. Although MAndy brushed it off during PC saying that he hasn't talked to his bro yet.

    And Fed? Love that man. I LOVE HIM.

    Thanks for the awesome post! 😀 Hope you enjoyed your birthday!

  6. flo says :

    Re: Djokovic, if he wins the US then nobody will remember (except those who shelled out money for tickets). And I think you have to let the athlete decide if the risk of injury is there. Honour system.

    Question: Is there any injury out there that Bodo thinks is serious? From his column on Henin I gather only if someone has lost a limb do they qualify as injured and not just lacking the will to continue.

  7. Matt Zemek says :

    The hour of the draw approacheth.

    May Troicki and Fognini land in a quarter other than Satan’s.

  8. marco iacoboni (@marcoiacoboni) says :

    first of all, you should change the subtitle of your blog in ‘the funniest tennis blog evah’ and if somebody challenges you on your bragging rights, we can prove her/him wrong on an evidence-based process. the ‘angst’ cartoon is just the last pearl on a long streak of funny stuff

    on fed: i don’t feel the angst anymore. when you blogged about his great performance with delpo, i thought ‘can he do it day in and day out?’ he clearly can’t. we can only hope that for some sort of a miracle he puts together a seven matches glorious streak at USO. but if he doesn’t, i must confess i won’t be surprised

    still, he’s the best looking baller in the game, they way he moves, the way he hits, his ability to create – out of literally nothing – shining moments when beauty and movement intersect magically, is inimitable


    see you soon, doots

  9. jfk10s says :

    Just hoping for a good draw. Please Tennis Gods keep Tsonga and Berdych farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away. kthxbye.

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