What They Wore: Winners and Sinners

They were the best of the rest, and the worst of the rest. These are the outfits that have made an impression in 2010, for one reason or another.

Let’s start with the worst, shall we? There is always something sinfully fun about criticizing someone else’s outfit.

1. Caroline Wozniacki, Australian Open til Roland Garros

Oh Stella, Stella, Stella. As far as clothing’s concerned, Ms McCartney has been everyone else’s favourite punching bag for 2010. But there is a reason for that: which part of shapeless, slate-grey rags with leaf patterns suggest “fashion hit” to you? Just look at poor Carol’s indignant face of pain OH WAIT –

That’s her normal game face.

2. Caroline Wozniacki, US Open til Will-This-Ever-End?

It’s semi-sheer. There is some form of bodice/bondage with horizontal stretch marks on the fabric. It hovers over her upper thigh, leaving you wondering where “the rest of it” has gone. Is it possible to give CWoz – a young, fit, female athlete – bulges where bulges do not exist?

Why yes! As Stella would say, “Impossible is NOTHING”.

3. Victoria Azarenka, US Open Series

I geddit. I geddit! Nerd is chic. Socially awkward, borderline Aspergers folks like Mark Zuckerberg are all the rage, programming your life into “walls” and “pokes” and “relationship statuses”. It’s okay. It’s about time.

But COME THE FUCK ON. There is nothing remotedly chic about wearing the double helix.

4. Aravane Rezai, Gold Foil 2010

There is so much gold foil going on here you wonder how many Lindt Bunnies died to make this dress. Don’t go around wearing this near a microwave oven now.

5. Aravane Rezai, Life in Plastic, It’s Fantastic.

Ever seen one of those “eco-fashion” shows?

They’re a bit like the modern Emperor’s New Clothes. Everyone claps along politely and talks about the importance of sustainability, environmental protection, when all the while, they are furiously trying to figure out why there are models parading around wearing ACTUAL PLASTIC BAGS.

That was how I felt, upon sighting this horror.

6. Marin Cilic, Davis Cup Tragic

I do not fucking care! No really. I do not. Whatever your national colours; however strong your “team spirit”, there is no excuse for wearing a picnic blanket on court.

7. Marin Cilic, US Open Tragic

Own up. Which one of you menstruated over him?

(I DID NOT WANT TO SAY IT IT CALLED OUT TO ME TO BE SAID)

8. Sam Stosur, First Half of 2010

There are many things to be said about this orange-ish, peachy, shapeless mess. But I believe Jodi of Tennis From Beyond the Baseline summed it up best when I ran into her at the Australian Open earlier in 2010:

“No one needs an apricot dress.”

Those are some of the worst outfits I personally remember in 2010. Have I missed any other travesties of international proportions? Lemme know.

But until then, without further ado: the best of the rest.

1. Gael Monfils, US Open

It was his first year with K-Swiss, and already, they’ve captured Gael’s personality so much more accurately than Nike ever did.

I don’t love or hate the clothes and hair per se. If Wogie had walked out looking like that, I would be banging my head against a rock hoping I destroy enough brain cells to make me forget it all.

But on Monfools, it all fell together to look so … Monfoolish. Likey likey.

The black and neon green version was also a little be funky.

2. Sam Stosur, US Open

This reminded me of Flavia Pennetta’s US Open 2009 dress, it was crisp, it was fitted, and I don’t know about you, but I personally have no issues with female athletes actually looking like female athletes.

Want to promote positive body image for young women? Celebrities posing nude for fashion glossies don’t help in the slightest. But seeing someone like Sam Stosur exude fitness and strength does.

The dark purple version, which was also lovely.

3. Pretty In Pink

What is it about Victoria Azarenka that just looks so good in pink?

If “real men wear pink”, then ironically, girls-gals often look horrendous in pink. Sure – it’s a feminine colour, but too much feminine pinkness can make it look like you accidentally ate Hello Kitty for breakfast.

Vika, on the other hand, gets the balance right in both her Australian Open and Roland Garros outfits.

That’s another thing: happy young people looking like happy young people. A point the likes of Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic often miss in their effort to look photoshop-worthy on court.

Talking about pink, I thought Alona Bondarenko looked like a teenage dream in her Australian Open dress.

4. Vera Zvonareva, Roland Garros 2010

Like Vera herself, K-Swiss is rather underrated. The colours are fresh. The combination of the pleated skirt and the simple tank top is sporty and feminine.

She doesn’t get many fancy, seasonal outfits every year, but you can always depend on Vera Zvonareva to look professional and sleek, 100% of the time.

5. Michelle Louder de Bretter, Wimbledon 2010

My favourite dress of the year has nothing to do with fancy tulle, vibrant colours or original designs. At the end of the day, it comes down to simplicity, class, and something that I can picture myself wearing. Not to mention, I love white and navy.

Anyone know who it’s by? I thought she was with adidas?

xx doots

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What They Wore: Rena

There was a time when watching Serena Williams march out for the Round 1 match at a slam involved a lot of cringing. There was the catsuit. The leather jacket. The in-your-face blings.

She pulled it off, if only because she was utterly unapologetic about being who she is.

Was it Nike? Or has age mellowed the wild child Serena Williams of yesteryear? These days, Serena Williams is tastefully dressed in well-cut outfits and festive colours.

In fact, I can’t even remember anything she wore this year that I didn’t like.

Australian Open

Rome

Roland Garros

If I had to pick, Serena’s strawberries-and-cream inspired Wimbledon dress with matching bolero and headband would be my favourite.

Wimbledon

But if fashion is all about a certain attitude, then the most striking thing about Serena Williams is her fearlessness in whatever she wears. Can you think of one other person who is capable of making a white and pink, strawberries-inspired dress look so fierce?

Love that photo.

xx doots

What They Wore: JJ

I thought ANTA had settled into a comfortable pattern with Jelena Jankovic: feminine, flowing designs; bright, vibrant colours. This was repeated over and over during the course of 2010, until Jaja suddenly walked out on court in Doha in a skimpy ninja-black dress that was the ultimate antithesis of the GlitterGal.

But more on that later. Here’s a look at what JJ had worn in 2010.

Australian Open

Indian Wells, Early Clay (Rome)

What ANTA does so well with JJ is that it captures her girliness, her vivacity better than her former sponsor Reebok. Between the shades of bright green, buttercup yellow and teal, no matter what she wore, JJ looked comfortable in her own skin, even if her tennis didn’t always look comfortably on court.

Roland Garros

Wimbledon

By the US Open, however, the succession of bright block colours was starting to bore me. Another tournament, another Lady Jaja walking out clad in a single, definitive colour, strappy dress, pleated skirt, maybe some tiers to “change things up” …

But it’s that same old feeling, over and over again.

US Open Series, US Open

Perhaps ANTA realised this. Post-US Open, they started to play around a little more with this teal coloured dress with black, lace-like florals along the chest.

Beijing – Moscow

And in Doha, JJ was put in a black dress with thin spaghetti straps.

It wasn’t unattractive, it looked like something Reebok or Lacoste would make. Was it “quintessentially JJ”? No.

Her tennis matched the outfit: equally unmemorable.

Doha

So what say you? Being the new kid on the tennistic fashion block, how would you rate ANTA’s efforts in 2010? What was your favourite?

xx doots

Tennis Fashion: Australian Open 2011, the Nike Kids.

The Nike range, a slightly less visually offensive bunch than the Adidas watermelon series.

But gradients for Vika? I’m reserving judgment til I see it.

Sharapova’s AO outfit – continuing her theme of strappy, cross-over dresses, but why does it look like a bra sewn over a dress?

The Dress-Never-To-Be. Excuse me while I wipe that single teardrop trickling down my face.

Come back soon Serena.

Rafa, in 48 shades of citrus. I like the colour on him, but I’m really, really hoping the back of that orange top is just a stain and not an homage to Ed Hardy …

As for Wogie McFed – OH MAH GAH! WHADAYA MEAN he’s not wearing another entirely original shade of blue?! Don Draper says WHUT?! We have BUTTERCUP WOGIE?!

Witness my expression of shock and flabbergastation.

Now witness Buttercup Wogie …

UPDATE:

Boo – he’s wearing the white version with the yellow lining. I prefer Buttercup Wogie to be honest. Now he looks like a boiled egg.

xx doots

Tennis Fashion: Australian Open 2011, the Adidas Kids.

Yes. There is an outdated and fastly-irrelevant “real” tournament on right now known to many as the Davis Cup, but for most of the non-French and non-Serbian players, the Australian Open is the next thing on the horizon. (Yes, you Davis Cup diehards just stabbed me in slow-mo in your head).

So in the spirit of “How-Many-Weeks-Til-Real-Tennis-Starts-Again?”, here’s a review of what the Relevants are wearing next Australian Open.

And to relish the irony, I shall open this post about the Relevants with a photo of Ana Ivanovic and Dani Hantuchova.

Not a huge fan of the green and purpose combo, but at least it does not burn retinas. But my problem with the dress has nothing to do with the colours: in what universe do breast-zips serve any functional, decorative-or-otherwise purpose?

But it’s okay really, especially considering the acidic, clashing colours Adidas has for its cover girls at Roland Garros …

And as we talk about Adidas’ many failures, starting a collaboration with Stella McCartney must be ranked near the top somewhere. Caroline Wozniacki’s outfit at Australian Open 2011:

UPDATE – sorry, the blue dress was for Roland Garros. Looks like we’re stuck with this for the Australian Open, which isn’t too bad.

Henin, Dinara, MariKiri. The same old designs every year. Only this time, Adidas thought it would be a great idea to use pink-and-green outside the strictly Christmas season.

Continuing the watermelon-themed outfits …

(I miss Jo-Willy. That is all)

What are the chances that Ahndee Mooray wears those outfits for the entire season in 2011?

xx doots

Picspam: So long as Fed can win and eyes can see / so long lives Doots and Doots gives porn to thee.

Soderling? Soderling who?

At <all I need is a picket fence>, we frazzle and at times moot over philosophical questions of “eras” and “GOATs”. But first and foremost, we dedicate ourselves to the appreciating the sheer deliciousness of Sir Wogie McFed Shankalot, also known by a series of other highly sophisticated nicknames, such as Feddy le Teddy, Rogiebums, Squishyballs …

You get the drift.

So what kinduva self-anointed Head Bitch would I be if I didn’t spam you with the latest New York Paparazzi binge on Fed? Especially since the anally-polite Swiss media (Swiss people in general) so respects Mr Fed’s privacy while he’s yodelling in their domestic alps that he is almost never snapped just casually walking down the street. I mean, that’s the shit we really care about. Ain’t it?

Well … in the land where even White House internships turn into raunchy national soap operas, Mr Fed (not the star of any raunchy soap operas outside Dootsie’s head or his own bedroom) was CAUGHT strutting nay sashaying nay sauntering nay – floating-down-the-street-like-the-omnipresent-Holy-Ghost with Mrs Fed and Gavin Rossdale. How scandalous! How newsworthy! How BREAKING!

Gotta love the walk. Doesn’t this kitty look exactly like Mr TMF?

Of course, Mr Rossdale ain’t the only minor celeb our darling boy hangs out with. Teddy was spotted later that night at the Fashion Night Out with his fangirls.

Umm … FUCK OFF HE’S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAD.

FUCK OFF HE’S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR SON.

Anna Wintour invited some of Vogue’s most loyal friends and subjects to grace her front row at Fashion’s Night Out: The Show. Cover girl Blake Lively sat beside the editor-in-chief, only to be outdone by tennis great Roger Federer, who took a break from the US Open to attend the show. Even Diane von Furstenberg couldn’t resist the urge to get up from her seat to greet Federer. Fellow athletes Serena Williams and The New York Knick’s Amare Stoudemire shared in the energy as did Leighton Meester and Ashley Tisdale. Even the most famous faces in the crowd were impressed!

Source: GlamChic

This is Diane von Furstenberg, by the way. (FUCK OFF YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE NON-ROYAL CIVILIANS.)

Born to be Bond.

Born to be gorgeous.

Enough picspamming. I order y’all to get back to frazzling NAOO!

xx doots

Wimbly Fashion: Working the whites.

Always loved Wimbledon fashion – the white dress code has the effect of forcing everyone to try harder to stand out, as is the case with Venus Williams.

Love it, hate it, everybody’s talking about it. For my part, I don’t mind a little cha cha cha. She has the body to pull it off, so why not?

They say imitation is the best form of flattery. I think JJ still likes you, Woger.

Nice dress though. The folks over at Anta have outdone themselves.

It’s one thing design barflike dresses, quite another to charge people $300 for it. Yes, that’s you, Stella.

A dress that actually looks like tenniswear: the mind – it boggles.

For future, reference – this is called a BOLERO, not “some-weird-jackety-thingymajigue-that-Serena’s-wearing”. And she looks prim and classy in her strawberries-and-cream inspired gear. Nice one, Nike.

Masha finds herself looking sleek and corporate in a cropped blazer.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of a good fit.

This is the definition of the opposite:

Honestly, can Zheng Jie get any cuter?

Don’t mind the dress, hate the white leggings. Good thing we won’t be seeing more of it then.

What’s your favourite Wimbledon outfit this year? Do tell!

xx doots

Fashion: Your wish is my command.

And didn’t we wish for Roger in purple? (Thanks LJ for the link)

Rafa’s stuff. I guess instead of a monogram, we have bull horns.

Picspam: Stimulus Package ’10.

Yup, it’s that time of the year again. SI is gearing up for the release of its annual Soft Porn Swimsuit Issue featuring Brooklyn Decker, also known as Mrs Andy Roddick, on the cover. Ana Ivanovic is also one of the pin-up girls featured in this issue.

It’s a big – apparently – and not just because David Letterman thinks so: one in three American adults is supposed to read this. Seriously?

Okay, like I can talk. I gear up for Federporn Friday every week, and 10 out of the total 10 readers here get off on it. I geddit, okay?

But at least do something more creative, SI, than having a few hundred pages of airbrushed young women pouting at a camera.

I suggest a ‘Puny Left Boob Society’. Perhaps you’ll even get your own Chairman.

Awkwarrrrd.

Can we get an SI Swimsuit Issue for the ladies one day?

xx doots

Fashion: Well done Nike. It’s almost … not blue.

Teal, ladies and gentleman, we’re half-way between blue and green. Look! They even tried to put some stripes in.

BABY STEPS. YES WE CAN!

By the way, I’m not sure if this is for Dubai/Indian Wells or the clay season. I’m actually dying to see him in orange with the funky collar. Although knowing Fed, he’ll just rock up in black and white.

EFF YOU IN ADVANCE.

Nike haz photoshop skilz peeps.

Unf.

xx doots