AO2012 Day One Wrap (By LJ)

This time last year I was soaking up the sun in Melbourne, chillun’ with Wog and PJ, checking out the sights on Day 1 of AO2011. But this year alas, it was first day back at work after summer break, so I had to be content with following the scores online.

So before we get onto perving at Mr Grandpa-sore-back here are some of the interesting outcomes of the day.

Bernard “The Annoying” Tomic beat Nando, in 5…from 2 sets down. Kid had nothing left in the tank afterwards but kudos to Tomic for his tough mental fortitude in the heat. And Fer…tough luck drawing someone who’s got more mental toughness than you on a hot day.

Bad day for the Brits as 5 went home with hardly a fight. Some of the other seeds to fall early were Pennetta, Monaco, Melzer, Wickmayer and Ljubydaddy.

Kolya again had a bad showing, losing in 5 but Delpo made it in 4. Jarkko Niemenen retired due to abdominal strain against Nalby which was disappointing after his win in Sydney on Sunday.  But I’m glad my BB Greeegor Dimitrov made it through in 5 over Jeremy Chardy.

The rest of the seeds rolled comfortably, including Rafa, overcoming the trollage of his knees yesterday.

My knees are fine no? I just sprained it sitting in chair, thinking of how to become roselike…

Mr Gramps-sore-back made it through in 3 against a very big hitting and incredibly unpredictable qualifier journeyman, Alexander Kudryavtsev. Kudryavtsev hit some screaming winners at stages, baffling Gramps, but faded after a groin strain midway through the match.

Rog had a nice collection of backhand and forehand shanks along with ill placed net play. Net play was especially lacking and bad today but probably because his opponent hit so big and so fearlessly. But a couple of times he stepped up during the crucial stages and managed to set up BPs and set points with cracking forehand returns.

Regal hand wave…

The post match interview by Courier was as entertaining as ever. Asked if he would coach his own daughters, Rog remarked…

Of course I would…I don’t have much of a choice I guess! I’d very happily give that to my wife…

and Mirka…went all BOSS on him.

cute…

and bonus twin pic from the match.

As for War of the Roses…there is no war because King Roger didn’t feel like partaking, cause you know…his royal highness is above all this plebian shit…plus he went all UN in the presser and will be the successor to Ban Ki-moon. or something.

That was roughly how Day 1 went folks…much more tennistical drama to come…

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Picspam: Queen of the Player’s Box, Greatest Muse in Tennis. Bow down bitches. Bow down.

‘Pologies for the utter silence on Miami weekend results. Unfortunately, I’ve been ill (for actual medical reasons, not just because of Roger’s disgusting semifinal performance). But all that another post when I recover some of that snark energy.

Meanwhile, have a picspam.

Dear Roger,

Just because you’re wearing that cardigan like some romance novel coverboy does not mean I am not angry at you.

YOU KILIMANJARO-SIZED PILE OF TURD.

xx doots

Of course, Roger was out and about in Miami to celebrate the birthday of his significant other, Mirka (34) with a bunch of her girl friends and umm … Anna Wintour.

Checking yourself out in the car window while pretending to look inside, DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT OLD TRICK, Roger Federer. I WROTE that fucking trick book.

I wish neither to over-exaggerate nor underestimate Mirka’s influence on Roger’s career, but suffice to say that her presence over so many years by his side certainly made it easier for him to concentrate on his career.

It was also one of the things that suggested to me, even before I became a fan of Federer, that he was a loyal, decent and ordinary man blessed with extraordinary talent.

Happy belated birthday 🙂

xx doots

MY RESOLVE WILL NOT BE WEAKENED YO!

No sooner had I decided on a moratorium on Federporn did you fangirls move into action, TRYING TO CORRUPT MY MIND WITH IMAGES OF MORAL TURPITUDE.

This was a message from Roger, conveyed by Lizibef. HUSSY ROYALE YOU!

NO. I. DO. NOT.

Dootsie was soooo like “whatever dude.”

And then JFK just waltzed in here with the big guns. YER THINK YOU CAN JUST WALTZE HERE WITH THE BIG GUNS DO YA? BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

And no, by the big guns, I don’t mean the sunnies (which are indeed very adulterous).

Nor am I referring to the puny left arm, clearly in need of A SLOW AND PAINFUL WAX.

I’m not even talking about the “Roger Federer, Mission Impossible II – serious nappies for serious shit” face.

Oh no. I’m talking about the Mighty Babes, with their little feet stuck up in the air…

And their little pouts!

And their expressions of “mummy, who iz dis touching my bum?“

MY MIND IS STRONG, BUT MY OVARIES. OH MY OVARIES.

JFK, Lizibef, YOU DON’T PLAY NICE. DOOTSIE IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU BOTH. You have been warned.

Papa-Paparazzi: Spotted – MRF, CRF, RF.

Thanks to roadrunnerz for directing me to Blick. Trust the Swiss tabloids to be more interested in Feddypoop than Elin. (Click to enlarge)

In case you thought the shorts for funky…

Wait til he turns around and shows you the bum-ring.

Evidently, Roger ditched his funky swim trunks for something less avant-garde, as he frolicked pool-side with little Charlie.

No idea which of the twins that is, but look at her ickle face!

“Nooo, I don’t want a drink mummy!”

Ovaries aflutter,

xx doots

Federporn Friday: Guest Star #1.

Since I’m running out of themes (ideas anyone?), I thought it’s about time we had a guest star on Federporn Friday.

And who better to be the first guest star in Federporno history than *ahem* former WTA player and soon-to-be birthday girl (April 1st) – Miroslava Vavrinec, also known as Mirka, Boss and HBIC?

Federporn Friday: the Hot Suit Issue.

In the wake of the new SI Swimsuit Issue, I thought about doing a Federporn Swimsuit Issue before realisng that there was no such thing as Roger Federer in budgie smugglers.

The closest I could find:

So… you probably don’t want to see that one again.

With the Swimsuit Issue out of question, I focused on the next best thing – the “Hot Suit Issue”. ‘Cause let’s face it, Roger Federer rocks a suit jacket and shirt like nobody else.

MRF/CRF: Good to know the Swiss tabloids aren’t doing nothing.

Roger, do me a favour and release some baby pictures, cos the tabloids in your country are hopelessly respectful of your privacy and THIS is the best they can do. 

 

 

Meanwhile, let us SQUEEEEEEE over those bundles of joy. 

Quotable Quotes: I always knew she’d be a queen.

 

Thanks FortuneCookie for posting this randomly awesome piece of trivia.

Just when you thought Roger Federer’s life couldn’t get anymore fantastical, a recent feature on Mirka by Le Temps  revealed that she used to date UAE royalty:

 

Alors savoir pourquoi un membre de la famille régnante de Dubaï a entrepris d’épouser Mirka, 19 ans, après une cour dispendieuse. Elle devait avoir 21 ans, lui beaucoup plus. Il l’emmenait à l’entraînement dans sa Ferrari rouge, «et portait son sac jusqu’aux vestiaires alors qu’il était tout petit», rapporte un ancien entraîneur. «Mirka aimait raconter ses promenades à la Bahnofstrasse. Cétait les mille et une nuits: elle avait des bijoux partout.»

Elle n’a pas moins repoussé les assiduités princières, «parce que l’émir exigeait qu’elle abandonne le tennis». 

 

Rough translation:

 

At the time, a member of the royal family in Dubai started dating Mirka, 19 years old, after an expensive courtship. She was 21, he was a lot older. He took her to drive in his red Ferrari, “and carried her bag around the locker room even though it was small”, said a former coach. “Mirka likes to talk about their strolls down Bahnofstrasse [luxury boulevard in Zurich apparently]. It was like “1001 Nights”: she had jewels everywhere.”

She turned down the attention of the prince, “because the Emir asked her to abandon tennis.” 

Source: le temps

 

Hang on a sec. You mean, Mirka dumped a prince for this hairy 19-year-old …. THING?

 

 

Well that worked out fine for her. 

 

Royalty is – likeomgawwwd – so 1789.

xx doots

Picspam: Be my mirror, my sword and shield.

Mirka sighted at Poop’s round 1 match. We’ve missed you and your rocks, Hot Mama. 

 

 

Q. You have to give Mirka more attention these days now? 
ROGER FEDERER: Well, I did before. (laughter.) That’s part of the deal, you know. I like spending time with her, and that doesn’t change. We had a great relationship beforehand. Now it’s the same, you know. There’s just two babies involved, as well. We’re trying to do our best. It’s a lot of fun. When I go back to the hotel. 

Yeah, I mean, I’ll see how it goes the next few months and years.

 

 

 

Ovaries Ignited: ADOPT ME!

Ah, the post heading should’ve been “MARRY ME MIRKA!” but you know, Roger got there first. Damn you lucky bastard.

Few thoughts:

Mirka is the world’s most gorgeous mama.

Charlene and Myla (which one’s which?!) both have adorable .. err .. toes.

Roger looks so tentative and scared holding his baby girl. You’ll learn, my GOAT, you’ll learn.

As you can probably tell from my tone, I am slowly evaporating into thin air as I type this. So. Much. Gorgeousness.

 

 

Kudos to the Feds, thanks for sharing the first photo of the Mighty Babes with fans rather than selling it to the likes of Schweitzer Illustrate. 

From Papa Fed’s facebook:

 

As promised, here is a family picture that my dad took. He thinks he’s becoming a professional photographer. It was very funny as both girls had the hiccups while we were trying to take a decent picture. The girls and mom are doing great. Thanks for all your warm wishes.

 

Roger sounds like a typical first time daddy, doesn’t he? “OMG MY BABIES BOTH HAVE THE HICCUPS! THAT’S LIKE … HILARIOUS OR SOMETHING!” “HOLY SMOKES, MYLA JUST BURPED, WHAT A LITTLE CHAMP!”

Not fair, if I released bodily gas into the atmosphere, I’d be told I’m an annoying, disgusting pig. This is age discrimination, y’all.

 

xx doots