You lose. I lose. Remember?

Even by my own not-so-lofty standards, I was as zen as a little ninjaaaa about Woger’s loss.

You lose, I lose. Remember?

Oh, don’t get me wrong: he was sucky. He was shanky. His forehand played PEEKABOO all match. He impersonated Furderer, Olderer, Shankerer, Failederer, Declinerer, Douchbaggerer, Cantconvertbreakpointerer. He channeled all his turdy alter egos to perfection and sucked hard, harder than a GIANT, SUCKING, OCTOPUS. And I am so, so sick of him looking delicious and playing revolting.

But being the incredibly petty person that I am, I take comfort in my prepubescent mentality that it’s okay if we suck a little, AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS MORE.

Did Roger lose to Dodig after winning the first set 6-1, being up break in the second set, and twice in the third set? (Rafaaa whyyyyy?!)

Did Roger get schooled in straight sets by the ENTIRE NATION OF SOUTH AFRICA?

That’s right bitches. It’s time to dispel some facts and create wild rumours about Roger Federer.


This is serious business, bitches. Federer losing to the same player twice, this takes us into unknown territory, a place we’ve never been before OH WAIT –

The fact is, Federer routinely loses to certain players consecutively before getting one back at them. Nadal aside, Djokovic, Murray, Nalbandian, Hewitt, Kolya, CANAS, Hrbaty THE TRUE GOAT OF TENNIS … the list goes on.

This is not to generalise Tsonga’s achievement today, but rather to put the hysteria and quick conclusion jumps in context.


This is a pet peeve of mine.

Oh yes! Federer can’t deal with power tennis! He survives on the ATP tour at the humble position of World No 3 by breadsticking Olivier Rochus on a daily basis.

You may disagree with me on this, but players like Tsonga, Del Potro, Berdych, Soderling become unplayable every once in a while when they zone in and start playing their explosive brand of tennis instinctively and intuitively. No one could’ve beaten Tsonga in that third set today. This is not to excuse Federer’s emotional letdown in the third set, but rather to underscore Jo’s clean, simple and decisive shotmaking today.


I’m a little confused about this myself, because for about 3 games near the end of the second set, this match had elevated itself into the realm of awesome.

Every shot was so preciously spectacular, every point so uproariously entertaining that the entire nation of Canadia jizzed their pants in approval. Where did it all go?

More importantly, where did the pumped up, aggressive, determined Roger Federer go?

To the loo, bitches. TO THE LOO.

Just when momentum was on Federer’s side, just when Federer got back his mojo, HE WENT AND PEED IT ALL AWAY.

Next time Roger, I don’t care if you are so busting to go that the weight of your bladder is slowing down your footwork, KEEP IT IN WOGER. DON’T FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET.

xx doots


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21 responses to “You lose. I lose. Remember?”

  1. virgilou says :

    Doots, you are the funniest bloggger I have ever read… and my favorite!!
    I was there jizzing my pants (whatever that means… I’m a francophone after all!!), but I never really felt confident about a Wogie win… I don’t like that feeling that I’m getting more and more about more and more opponents… But, hey, he still showed us a few marvelous strokes, especially in the second set… but is serving was not good and his forehand sucked most of the times. By the way, I have DELICIOUS pictures of Wogie form this tournament if you are interested. Soem of thjem would be perfect for Federporn! Let me know if you want them and I’ll send a few to your e-mail adress…

  2. TennisAce says :

    I don’t care that he lost. I really don’t. At the end of the day these losses will come. As a Fed bitch for life, I can roll with the punches. I celebrate when he wins. Go into my little hole for about half a minute and then come out smiling again. All my favourites are on the decline and so am I. Does that make me piss poor at my job. Hell no. It just means that stuff that I was able to do when I was 20, I can no longer do it now that I am closer to 50. I am still tops and as far as I am concerned so is Roger Federer

  3. Matt Zemek says :

    Tsonga’s a confident not-very-French player at the moment, and he’s not injuring himself. At 26, he’s fresher and has more mileage than others on tour. I rated the match a toss-up before it started.

    There are far worse losses to fret about.

    I just need a quarterfinal (at minimum) or semifinal (true goal) at Cincinnati to get some match play. Then I need Tsonga to appear in someone else’s quarter at the U.S. Open.

  4. Sue Whiteside says :

    This is the first time I’ve laughed since the moment ‘it’ happened 😦 Doots please dont ever EVER change!! 😀 Yes he sucked big time and yes he did make some awesome shots( just not enough of them) looking so DDG doing it but I for one was just sooo happy to see him at all!! Middle of the night on a stupid buffering livestream was happiness personified for me until the 3rd set ……….Pfffffffffft JWT I dont like you one bit !! Wogie will be back and how sweet will it be when he does his thang for all to see !! Cant wait!!
    As for Muzza………….looooool where do you get these pics from …priceless !! 😆
    And Numero 2…………… are they calling it HIS demise too, is he finished, Oh forgot he has a cold …….or something like everytime he loses !!
    Waiting with bated breath for the next FPF!!!

  5. Katarina_YYZ says :

    thanks, Head Bitch Dootsie 😀 … I do feel a bit better after reading that. I hope Roger can figure things out soon. I really want to see him lifting a trophy and celebrating.

  6. Cathie (@breadstix) says :

    Shite is all relative… gotta keep telling myself that. Great post, Doots. 🙂

  7. Margaret says :

    Totally zen here too…. just may the God of Draws give Roger the following at the US Open
    1. In Nadal’s half. I TOTALLY fancy seeing Wogie kick Rafa’s itchy butt in New York
    2. Pretty please, if its not too much trouble, keep Jo Willy out of sight, ditto Delpo.

    Then happiness can reign supreme across the Land of Fed…

  8. jfk says :

    Even though Murray and Nadal lost early it was still a chance for Roger to establish himself again. Oh well. Tennis Gods please be kind to Roger as the Cincy draw comes out in a few hours. He needs proper match play before US Open.

  9. Morgan says :

    Quick – the window to jump on the Djokovic train without looking like a sheep is closing. It’s fun in here!

    • Deborah says :

      Never. I’d rather jump off a bridge as long as it included one moment of Roger’s dance before a lifetime of the Djoker’s wins. Ain’t gonna happen.

      Doots, you really are the best. I was disappointed but not too sad. He’s still the one!

    • jandemom says :

      That’s funny, Morgan! You have fun on Nole’s train; I’m gonna keep having fun with Roger (might get a few gray hairs, but hey, he’s worth it!).

  10. pika says :

    LOLing at the ‘AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS MORE’ bit. Honestly, I agreed with the ones who said Fed can lose to Tsonga. As long as McSquishy wins in NY, I’ll be happier than a fat kid w/ chocolate cake. I wasn’t too upset. Annoyed like that-stupid-fly-that-won’t-go-away annoyed, but not devastated. I have bigger things in mind(i.e. US OPEN 2011).

  11. dari says :

    That was pretty funny, Thx Doots!
    Not sad, shit happens pretty often these days, I’m just chilling until THE glorious day comes.
    Remember like dootiez said, there are people 5+ years younger who lost to lesser players… While serving for the gosh damn match. S’okay
    Go Rog in cincy and nyc!

  12. steve says :

    I think it’s pretty simple: he played a fantastic player in a very early round, and he was rusty.

    This is almost like a replay of last year, when he played Berdych (who knocked him out at Wimbledon) in Toronto, but only in the quarters after he had some matches against easier guys. And he barely managed to get past Berdych.

    To come up against Tsonga so early was just shit luck. Only thing to do is move on to the next tournament.

  13. jandemom says :

    Some of your best posts come after losses, doots! You have a way with words (and ideas) that makes me laugh every time, so thanks for that 🙂 come on, Roger!

  14. Cyndiana S (@Cyn2887) says :

    i am so with you on this one —- “And I am so, so sick of him looking delicious and playing revolting.”

  15. pban says :

    Thank heavens i didn’t have to see this crap

  16. tapedelayed says :

    I don’t know – start in with the schadenfreude and fandom mutates to something less jovial. It’s the dark side shift a la KOTOR.

  17. BS says :

    It was a disappointing loss, but not the worst, even if he really should have won the first set! I’ll be happy with a decent run in Cincy. He’s shown us that he doesn’t need to win a title before a major in order to be successful at the slams… here’s hoping all goes well in NYC.

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