Bye bye Berdy. Guess I don’t really care.

Woah woah woah woah woah. Hang on hang on – I may be onto something here. Follow this irrefutable logic.

Fact #1: Roger Federer won Cincinnati wearing pink.
Fact #2: Michael Llodra won very little.
Fact #3: Federer gave his sweat-stained pink shirt to Llodra in Cincinnati. It smelt like win.
Fact #4: In his next match, Michael Llodra took out No 7 seed Tomas Berdych first round at the US Open in straight sets.

Coincident? I DON’T FINK SO. The only logical conclusion that follows the simple sum of 1 + 2 + 3+ 4: Roger Federer may not sweat a lot, but when he does?

HE SWEATS PURE FUCKING CONTAGIOUS EXCELLENCE.

“I don’t know whether I played well or not.” – Bye-bye Berdy.

If my logical sequence was beyond your comprehension, here it is again in pictorial terrms: 1 + 2 = 3

1. FULL OF WIN.

2. TRANSFER OF WIN

3. WIN WIN.

In other matches, dramarama over in New York on an apparently sweltering day, which saw Victoria Azarenka rather spectacularly in the heat while down 1-5 to her French Open conqueror Gisela Dulko. I’ll leave you to watch the event unfold yourself, shall I?

In a statement after the match, Vika claimed that she suffered concussion when she tumbled while warming up in the gym pre-match.

‘‘I fell forward and hit my arm and head.

I was checked by the medical team before I went on court and they were courtside for monitoring.

I felt worse as the match went on, having a headache and feeling dizzy. I also started having trouble seeing and felt weak before I fell.

I was taken to the hospital for some medical tests and have been diagnosed with a mild concussion.’’

Get well soon.

With the last of the men’s first round matches being held today, Toothface blasted 37 winners as he sailed past Lets’-Go, 6-3 6-2 6-2. Despite the fact that Murray is attempting to become the first Brit to win a slam in 150 thousand years, all that the media wanted to know about was: “did you see it did you see it did you see it?!”

Q. Did you have a chance to see Roger’s shot between his legs the other night for a winner?

ANDY MURRAY: Yeah.

Q. What were your thoughts about that and how he’s able to come up with these shots?

ANDY MURRAY: Yeah, I saw it. I thought the one against Djokovic last year was better. But, no, they’re difficult shots. They’re very difficult shots to time. And if you time them well, it’s very difficult for the opponent to reach them if you get, you know, reasonable direction, because you don’t see it very often. So to judge your split step, like if you see Dabul the other night when he hit it, he hit a really clean, great shot. But Dabul was charging the other direction. He had no idea when Roger was going to make contact with the ball. So it is very difficult if someone hits a clean one to get your movement right.

Q. Why do you think the one against Djokovic was better?

ANDY MURRAY: Yeah, because Novak was at the net. It was a bit harder. Dabul was out of position when he hit the lob. They were both great shots.

Q. Is that something that you work on at all?

ANDY MURRAY: Um, I occasionally hit it. If it happens in practice you just always try you know, if you’re in a situation in a match, you always try and get back and put up a lob, you know, if you can.So you don’t hit them that much. No, I practice them sometimes messing around in practice a little bit.

Q. How do you do?

ANDY MURRAY: Ah, yeah, not bad. Not bad.

…

Q. Novak said he’d be more concerned about damaging himself with a racquet. You wouldn’t worry, too?

ANDY MURRAY: You’ve got to be careful, yeah. (Laughter.) I have never had any problems when I tried it.

Unlike Murray, Venus Williams was made to work a little by a unknown Canuck Rebecca Marino, eventually closing out the match 7-6 (7-3) 6-3. What did Marino do particularly well? How did Venus handle the heat? All these questions were relegated to the back burner in the face of a far more pressing query: DID YOU SEE IT DID YOU SEE IT DID YOU SEE IT?!

Q. Did you have a chance to see Roger Federer’s shot between his legs the other night?

VENUS WILLIAMS: No, I haven’t. But I heard he hits one every year, so…

Q. Is that something you’ve tried?

VENUS WILLIAMS: You know, my dad would teach us that shot, but Serena and I weren’t really keen on learning it. So I think it’s something you kind of want to learn as a kid, and you keep trying it and trying it.We’d do it a little bit, and he could do it, but I guess we didn’t see the value. I guess there is value in it now.

Don’t mind me, I’m just perfecting my subtle way of not talking about Roger Federer while talking about him all the time.

To completely non-Fed related news, in the upset of the day, Janko Tipsy took out Andy Roddick in four sets, 3-6 7-5 6-3 7-6.

One word: outplayed.

What are you going to do when your opponent’s shitting out 16 winners and 3 unforced errors in a set while you could do more than 6 and 6? Tipsarevic “played big”, to use his own words. Despite losing the first set, he stayed aggressive and kept focus despite Roddick’s third set tantrum over – deja vu! – a foot fault called by a lines woman.

“Not once in my career has my right foot gone in front of my left foot, never. That is unbelievable.

“Why don’t you get some umpires who know what they are doing? 1-800-rent-a-ref.”

Here’s the deal: there’s this Andy Roddick guy – unassuming, unpretentious, humorous. And despite having his career perennially cockblocked by a man from Switzerland, Randy continues to see the world through a healthy, balanced perspective and work tirelessly to win a second slam he so deserves.

So there’s that. And then …

There’s the occasional asshole who surfaces every once in a while. I don’t care what you do to fire yourself up, a line has to be drawn before a rant turns into a ridicule, because a rich iconic tennis player belittling a lineswoman like a bully is the last sight anyone wants to see. And just like the tweener, we’ve now seen it at the Open for the second year in a row, only unlike the tweener, we don’t want to, we don’t need to see it. Not at all.

As for Randy’s tennis, I demand that the tennis world cuts him some slack. After all, mono is serious business.

xx doots